Maybe it's all the change that's been going on in my life right now and the awkwardness going on. I just feel unsatisfied. I thought it would be different. I thought I would love getting out of school and being on my own...don't get me wrong, there are parts that I really don't miss about school. But it seems like a lot more is different now than I thought it would be. I mean, I can't just blow off homework or get off work easily anymore to go do something I want to do. I have to go to work... and I don't have a whole lot of choice about when that is cause I'm the low priority. I don't like rarely having more than 2 days off in a row. I miss my friends and just being able to chill and hang out. I miss spending every day with the same people and being able to help each other. I miss living with my good friends. Not that I don't love Sara, but it's not the same. I don't quite feel the same comfort and homeyness as I did last year. I don't feel like I can fully be myself with Sara and Amanda. I sometimes feel like I have to walk on eggshells and be careful that I don't make a mess and don't leave anything out or walk around without being fully dressed (which is okay since I'm in the master bedroom by myself, but sometimes I want to go grab something to munch on while I'm drying off after a shower...but I think the girls would have a minor cow if I walked around in my bra and undies).
I just hate feeling judged...and that I'm not good enough (or not what people are looking for in a roommate, coworker, friend, nurse, etc). I know I can't please everyone and that's a problem I have to deal with, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough at everything.
Another thing that's been bothering me is I feel so letdown by so many people in my life... myself, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, etc. I feel like I've let myself down in the way that I am and act around people (my timid and shy nature). I tell myself that I can do this...I can be more outgoing, but I chicken out because of my fear of rejection and I back away. I so wish that I could be bold. Like everyone, my family, friends, people I work with, people I look up to, and more people have let me down or disappointed me in some way or another. I know that no one is perfect, but my trust and faith in others is shaken whenever these things happen.
I was thinking about all this when I went to visit my family in Oklahoma this weekend. I was just really feeling down on myself and my situation, so I looked in my aunt's Bible for some sort of encouragement or inspiration and I saw that she had highlighted Psalm 34:18-19.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.This spoke to me because this is how I was feeling...my heart had been broken by the disappointments that I had let bother me, and my spirit was crushed by my self-esteem issues and shaken faith in others. I realize that I need to trust in God. That's the answer to everything is having faith that God will come through and help me to get through all this and heal my spirit. It will take time... and won't happen on my terms, but I need to work on really believing in the power of God and His plans.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
When I was thinking about all the times I'd been let down, I was reminded that I have let all these people down myself and most of all, I've let God down. I let Him down when I chose not to trust Him, I let Him down when I stopped spending time with Him everyday and making choices that truly reflect that. I thought about the song by Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"
We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here
I want to try and not let God down...and believe that He won't let me down because everything is in His plan. I'm feeling this way for a reason, and He will help me through it.
3 comments:
You're so wise, Mommy. You're going through a huge adjustment right now, but God is with you through every weird transition.
I think you are one of the most amazing, best people I know. You're definitely one of my favorites. Right behind Psycho Sexy Clown Man. :-)
I miss seeing you every day and living with my little mommy. Let's change it. If I have to, I'll even start having heart problems so I can hang out with you at work. Party!
I'll be praying for you, love.
Feel free to come over and walk around in our apartment in your bra and panties anytime! Seriously! I miss your sexy bod! :)
I miss living with you too! One night I saw something on facebook that one of my high school friends had about nursing and I wanted to tell you about it. I actually started to get up from my bed to go tell you, and was extremely disappointed when I remembered you weren't right across the hall!
This is a big change time in your life. I have been feeling some of the same lately. Sure, I'm still going to school, but I question if that is the right thing for me to do. I doubt it all the time. I feel like I have been living the "real world" life since Jan with Student Teaching and now working full time. Maybe that is part of my decision to go back to school.
Not everyone can be the most outgoing person all the time. Your personality is part of what makes you you. That little shyness lets people that really get to know you discover the real gem that you are. Remember that you are God's creation and he is the best artist out there!!!
Sending you much LOVE!!!!
Thank you for this post, A Barnes. I've been feeling the same way. I thought that when I graduated and started work things would be different, and I'm finding out that it isn't the picture I have had in my mind for so long. Nights are longs, my patients can tell I'm inadequate as soon as I can't answer a question/get nervous/have to go get another nurse for help. I feel like my coworkers are constantly watching me and hanging on the bad things I do instead of the good. Constant criticism and I'm sensitive! I feel disappointed.
I feel like I miss school. I miss seeing you all every day. We were a family and all of a sudden it was gone. I often wish I was back in Springfield on that off chance I would feel more at home there. *shrugs*
I love you and miss you. Don't change the way you are. Outgoing people are always borderline, if not obnoxious!!!
HAHAHA :)
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