Letdown

I don't know what it is, but lately I've just felt....I'm not even sure what word I'm looking for... inadequate, disappointed, letdown, sad... (all of the above?)

Maybe it's all the change that's been going on in my life right now and the awkwardness going on. I just feel unsatisfied. I thought it would be different. I thought I would love getting out of school and being on my own...don't get me wrong, there are parts that I really don't miss about school. But it seems like a lot more is different now than I thought it would be. I mean, I can't just blow off homework or get off work easily anymore to go do something I want to do. I have to go to work... and I don't have a whole lot of choice about when that is cause I'm the low priority. I don't like rarely having more than 2 days off in a row. I miss my friends and just being able to chill and hang out. I miss spending every day with the same people and being able to help each other. I miss living with my good friends. Not that I don't love Sara, but it's not the same. I don't quite feel the same comfort and homeyness as I did last year. I don't feel like I can fully be myself with Sara and Amanda. I sometimes feel like I have to walk on eggshells and be careful that I don't make a mess and don't leave anything out or walk around without being fully dressed (which is okay since I'm in the master bedroom by myself, but sometimes I want to go grab something to munch on while I'm drying off after a shower...but I think the girls would have a minor cow if I walked around in my bra and undies).

I just hate feeling judged...and that I'm not good enough (or not what people are looking for in a roommate, coworker, friend, nurse, etc). I know I can't please everyone and that's a problem I have to deal with, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough at everything.

Another thing that's been bothering me is I feel so letdown by so many people in my life... myself, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, etc. I feel like I've let myself down in the way that I am and act around people (my timid and shy nature). I tell myself that I can do this...I can be more outgoing, but I chicken out because of my fear of rejection and I back away. I so wish that I could be bold. Like everyone, my family, friends, people I work with, people I look up to, and more people have let me down or disappointed me in some way or another. I know that no one is perfect, but my trust and faith in others is shaken whenever these things happen.

I was thinking about all this when I went to visit my family in Oklahoma this weekend. I was just really feeling down on myself and my situation, so I looked in my aunt's Bible for some sort of encouragement or inspiration and I saw that she had highlighted Psalm 34:18-19.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

This spoke to me because this is how I was feeling...my heart had been broken by the disappointments that I had let bother me, and my spirit was crushed by my self-esteem issues and shaken faith in others. I realize that I need to trust in God. That's the answer to everything is having faith that God will come through and help me to get through all this and heal my spirit. It will take time... and won't happen on my terms, but I need to work on really believing in the power of God and His plans.

When I was thinking about all the times I'd been let down, I was reminded that I have let all these people down myself and most of all, I've let God down. I let Him down when I chose not to trust Him, I let Him down when I stopped spending time with Him everyday and making choices that truly reflect that. I thought about the song by Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here

I want to try and not let God down...and believe that He won't let me down because everything is in His plan. I'm feeling this way for a reason, and He will help me through it.

Nocturnal Confusion

Well, switching to nights hasn't been so bad. I worked all day last Saturday, then worked on transitioning to staying up all night and sleeping in the day. So I worked my 8 hr shift on Monday night/Tuesday morning and actually didn't think it was so bad! It was a lot quieter, even though my nurse, Seth, and I had 7 patients and I was taking care of the whole team. There are a lot less meds to give, and patient concerns to tend to, plus my nurse and I didn't have an open bed so we didn't get an admission. It was pretty nice! But then, I had three days off and had to take my NCLEX on Wednesday, so I had to go back to the daytime schedule. Talk about messing with your body!

So I took my licensure exam on Wednesday... I took 75 questions and then it shut off. I was done. That freaked me out! I thought that some questions were really hard, and others were pretty easy...so I wasn't sure. I wished it would have given me more questions cause 75 meant I did really well, or I bombed it and there was no hope. But I paid my 7 bucks to find out early and I found out on Friday that I PASSED!!!!!! I'm pumped!! No more tests for a long while!!! I'm a real RN, BSN!

Allison, Rob, and I went out on Thursday night to meet Jered and some of his work friends at the Piano Bar. I kind of felt it was a little celebration of being done with my NCLEX...I didn't know the results yet, but I celebrated anyway! I had a good time hanging out with all of them and then going to Steak & Shake afterwards and seeing some hilarious drunk people!...unfortunately they were fellow KC Royals fans. :(

I had to work again on Friday night...which was tough. I tried to stay up Thursday night and sleep Friday, but didn't sleep very well at all. :( But the night was okay. We had a patient that we were really concerned about because she had extremely low blood pressure throughout the night. Right as we were coming on shift, her BP was as low as 75/doppler (normal is 120/80, doppler means that they couldn't even hear the diastolic number!). The first time the evening nurse called the doctor with slightly higher numbers, he said to watch her. I called again, just at the change of shift and the doctor ordered a very small fluid bolus (she had CHF, so we didn't want to fluid overload her). So we were busy watching her and helping the Aid check her BP every 30 minutes. We also got a new admission and she kept complaining of ongoing chest pain that we had to try and alleviate. It wasn't so bad, though. Saturday night wasn't bad at all, except that we only had 2 Nurse Aids for 26 patients...so we helped with her duties all night as well. Otherwise, my team was pretty easy. The hard thing was staying awake through early the early service at church after working all night.

Looking forward to having a normal night schedule and not having to switch all the time...we'll see how that works though!

Ashley

Having a "Real" job is hard work!

I've been really busy with work and trying to have a life while I still work normal people hours, so the blog has gone by the wayside a bit. But here I am back to give a quick update.

Work has been very busy. I finished up about 2 weeks of orientation with Makael on days and learned A LOT and I just got done with another 2 weeks with Susan. Both were great preceptors, Makael was more of the teacher, making sure I took it easy and could handle everything before I totally went off on my own, which was really nice because she still let me go off on my own and figure my way of doing it...which I will say hasn't quite been perfected yet. And Susan is super laid-back which has been good too, and I'm taking our whole team of patients now with Susan helping out on a few things like keeping up with new orders, talking to doctors when they come by, etc. I'm still getting lots of practice at all these things, but since she's sitting at the desk most of the time, she helps out with those things so I have a little more time. Days are crazy busy, but I've heard that nights aren't quite that busy, so I think I can handle that better than I am now. It just hasn't all come together yet, I still feel like I'm doing quite a bit of unnecessary running back and forth. But I know it'll get better with practice.

I start nights on Monday with my preceptor, Seth. I'm looking forward to everything but my messed up sleep schedule! I've already worked with Seth once and he's great, so I know it will be good. My nurses have all told me I'm doing a great job, so that makes me feel better too! I've had some crazy things happen, like a patient that got really confused with sundowners, sending my first pt to the ICU for a critical blood sugar level, receiving a pt from the unit who was taking 4 Hydrocodone pills every 4 hrs and was detoxing, work with a patient who had schizophrenia and helping her family get some help, and had to keep my cool when a patient's son was testing my intelligence and treating me and his mother like crap. Only one thing looms in the (not so very far) distance.........the NCLEX!

I take my NCLEX on Wednesday at 1pm!! Yikes! I've studied some, but not as much as I feel I should. I need to keep doing a bunch of review questions! I'm very unmotivated, but nervous about it at the same time, so some good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'll know two days after that how I did.

I went to Maryville for 4th of July with Rachel Fulton from Branson. We had a blast visiting with Cristy and Brooke and even Sarah was in town from D.C.!! Thursday and Friday I went to Oklahoma to visit my Mom, Dad, and Nate who were spending the week there, and Papa, the aunts & uncles, and cousins. Had a great time the couple of days I was able to spend with them! I can't wait to go back!!!

Love you all!!