Good & Evil

I recently made a comment on a friend from work's Facebook status and it led myself to thinking about my beliefs in good and evil. It all started with a sad patient story from last week when we received as a patient a grandmother who was admitted for chest pain after learning that her 20 something granddaughter had a massive hemorrhagic stroke and that she was most likely not going to survive. This was an extremely sad story and my friend posted on Facebook that her heart went out to this family, but that she knew God was present and has a plan for them. One of her non-Christian friends commented on it saying this

God has a plan for everyone huh??? so do those ppl instinctively just follow that "GOD given plan" or do some just get screwed outta theres because I don't think any of GOD'S plans would involve a 9 year old girl being beaten to death by a 15 year old girl and yes that happened right here in the good ol'e midwest, yours truly....Missouri. I also ... Read Moredon't think the ALMIGHTY GOD would plan for thousands of ppl to starve to death on a daily basis and be raped and murdered, but hey..what do I know, it's GOD'S plan, right?? I think you all give GOD entirely TOO much credit...why?? I wish I knew..maybe religion was crammed down your throat as a child, or maybe your just scared to actually think about living in a world without a GOD to save you from all that is evil, me personally....I don't believe in or deny GOD'S existence, but sometimes I think most of you do just in case he/she does exist, you'll think you be getting a free pass because you "believed in GOD your whole life!"

This comment made me sad that people are lost like this and re-examine my own thoughts. I even commented back and expressed my beliefs, which is a kind of big thing for me because I tend to be quiet in my faith and unfortunately find it incredibly scary to just talk about with strangers or even those I don't know all that well. So I thought I'd share my insight into my ow beliefs.

I know that terrible things happen in the world, but I don't believe that the God of love that I follow and serve would want those to happen to His children. I believe that the awful things that happen in this world are the work of satan and evil in the world, like cancer, rape, murder, etc. I know that those have to be the work of satan to try and break us from God and lead us away from Him. Just like I believe that satan works in people if they are weak enough to allow him into their lives, as I think my aunt has and it saddens me. But I know God works through those situations to strengthen us and give us comfort if we trust in Him and believe that He is strong enough to make it better...does that always mean a cure to the problem...no. Do I understand why...no. But I know that God is in control and that no matter what life throws our way, that He is there to pick us up and carry our burdens for us. If life were easy, we would have no need for God, and many people still go through life thinking that they don't need Him. But I know I do. Without Him I would be lost, feeling alone and inadequate and dead in my sins, but with Him I can face anything...I just have to remember to act out that knowledge and trust God EVERYDAY!

Jaded

I'm realizing more and more how hard it is to be a nurse and work in the hospital. It's difficult balancing between the patient's needs, the physician's orders (and sleep schedules), and getting all the necessary charting done. I don't mean to complain about my job, but it is hard trying to please and help my patients, not pissing off the doctor's by calling them at 3am, and handling confused, complicated, or just plain difficult patients. I am understanding more and more how easy it is for nurses to become jaded and burnt out on their work. I find myself getting really frustrated with my confused patients, patents that ask for pain medicine ALL the time (and don't really appear to be in a lot of pain), or want me to just call up the doctor all the time and try and get everything figured out to make them better at 2am. I get frustrated when there are no orders for me to give them an as needed medication and I have to call the doctor for something as simple as a sleeping pill or Tylenol. Maybe some of this comes from the fact that I hate feeling powerless to meet my patients' needs and get rid of their pain or other problems. I really do my best to not let the patients see that frustration though. Please don't think I'm a terrible, evil person. I'm really not. It's just difficult. But maybe every unit is different...I hope. Maybe it's just my floor and that once I get a year or two of experience in I can move to a different area and it will be better. But who knows...

I don't want to be that nurse that I've come into contact with that just goes through the motions of work and gets frustrated if something throws that off or that doesn't seem to really care about my patients. I know there will be times after work that I will just have to let it all out and vent for a second, but I'm going to try and focus on the positive things I am doing and not let those frustrations get me down. I'm going to try and see things more from my patient's point of view and how this affects their life. I hope it helps....but I may need you guys to remind me of that every once in a while ;)

I guess I'm crazy

I love that in our admission screen for every patient that it asks... Have you ever had thoughts of harming yourself or others? Who doesn't have thoughts of harming others...I have thoughts of harming my patients sometimes! Especially when they are out of their minds and cussing me out! Call me crazy!

I Believe in People

Call me naive, but I believe in the good in people. I consider myself an optimist and I believe that people can (and should) do awesome things for others. For example: my church had a missions dinner on Saturday trying to simply raise money for all the missions projects of the church, including giving to places like Rare Breed and Victory Mission and our missionaries in Mozambique, Mongolia, and other places. The money also goes towards mission trips sponsored by the church, like the middle school trip I went on this summer. The goal was $15,000. Now I'll admit, when I heard this I was a little shocked. That's a LOT of money! I hoped that we would raise the money, but honestly I wasn't entirely sure. I went to the dinner and donated money for my meal, and watched the live auction which had a lot of great things in it, like a vacation to Atlanta with concert and event tickets, vacation homes in North Carolina and Colorado, and other things like a Dessert of the Month membership and BBQ meal for 20 people. These things all went for quite a bit of money (more than I could afford!) and I was so proud of my church for exceeding the goal and actually raising over $26,00!!!!! That's amazing when I think about it! Imagine what we could do with that and all the lives we could change!! I admit, I don't do nearly as much as I should, but I'm working on it!

Another story from my hometown can be found at http://www.kansascity.com/105/story/1452971.html and here's the video. I think it's pretty special that these kids who are only freshman in high school and their coaches got together to do something great and make a difference in Matt's life.

I believe in God, love, faith, and the good in people and gosh darn-it, I don't ever want to change that!

On My Own

Well, I'm working all by myself now! So far it hasn't been too bad...but there's still a lot I feel like I need to remember and learn. I'm getting it though, and really some of it is just hospital policy type things, like parameters for Cardizem and other medication drips (which I've had to deal with a lot lately), PICC line policies, and stuff to do before a procedure. I know I need to work on my ability to handle a crisis though, and critical thinking on what steps to take when something comes up, like a patient having a shortness of breath or something.

I'm getting to know my coworkers on night shift a lot better and they're a bunch of really fun people. I seriously think I spent the majority of the shift last night laughing my head off! They give each other a hard time, just like me and my friends do. Here's a few random experiences and things I've learned about my coworkers that crack me up:
1. Almost all of the Nurse Aids have kids, even the ones that are my age
2. An Aid on the floor, Jennifer, always dates guys that end up slapping her around...including her baby's daddy who's in jail right now "for a bunch of stuff"
3. Seth is almost deaf...and it's really awkward when joking around with him and he doesn't hear :)
4. The Canadian, Brad, is an "ash" most of the time and is really full of himself even though he's been here just a couple months longer than me
5. Mike is gay...but might secretly want Jennifer for her baby-making ability
6. It's really hard not to laugh when a confused patient tells you to be ashamed of breaking up a family with five kids... in a kinda funny voice
7. Getting shocked by an implanted defibrillator while waterskiing makes you flop around like a fish
8. I've never been so happy to have a family member stay in the room as when I had a patient who had been in prison for murder...and was released on a technicality

Being a nurse can be veeerry interesting sometimes!

Letdown

I don't know what it is, but lately I've just felt....I'm not even sure what word I'm looking for... inadequate, disappointed, letdown, sad... (all of the above?)

Maybe it's all the change that's been going on in my life right now and the awkwardness going on. I just feel unsatisfied. I thought it would be different. I thought I would love getting out of school and being on my own...don't get me wrong, there are parts that I really don't miss about school. But it seems like a lot more is different now than I thought it would be. I mean, I can't just blow off homework or get off work easily anymore to go do something I want to do. I have to go to work... and I don't have a whole lot of choice about when that is cause I'm the low priority. I don't like rarely having more than 2 days off in a row. I miss my friends and just being able to chill and hang out. I miss spending every day with the same people and being able to help each other. I miss living with my good friends. Not that I don't love Sara, but it's not the same. I don't quite feel the same comfort and homeyness as I did last year. I don't feel like I can fully be myself with Sara and Amanda. I sometimes feel like I have to walk on eggshells and be careful that I don't make a mess and don't leave anything out or walk around without being fully dressed (which is okay since I'm in the master bedroom by myself, but sometimes I want to go grab something to munch on while I'm drying off after a shower...but I think the girls would have a minor cow if I walked around in my bra and undies).

I just hate feeling judged...and that I'm not good enough (or not what people are looking for in a roommate, coworker, friend, nurse, etc). I know I can't please everyone and that's a problem I have to deal with, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough at everything.

Another thing that's been bothering me is I feel so letdown by so many people in my life... myself, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, etc. I feel like I've let myself down in the way that I am and act around people (my timid and shy nature). I tell myself that I can do this...I can be more outgoing, but I chicken out because of my fear of rejection and I back away. I so wish that I could be bold. Like everyone, my family, friends, people I work with, people I look up to, and more people have let me down or disappointed me in some way or another. I know that no one is perfect, but my trust and faith in others is shaken whenever these things happen.

I was thinking about all this when I went to visit my family in Oklahoma this weekend. I was just really feeling down on myself and my situation, so I looked in my aunt's Bible for some sort of encouragement or inspiration and I saw that she had highlighted Psalm 34:18-19.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

This spoke to me because this is how I was feeling...my heart had been broken by the disappointments that I had let bother me, and my spirit was crushed by my self-esteem issues and shaken faith in others. I realize that I need to trust in God. That's the answer to everything is having faith that God will come through and help me to get through all this and heal my spirit. It will take time... and won't happen on my terms, but I need to work on really believing in the power of God and His plans.

When I was thinking about all the times I'd been let down, I was reminded that I have let all these people down myself and most of all, I've let God down. I let Him down when I chose not to trust Him, I let Him down when I stopped spending time with Him everyday and making choices that truly reflect that. I thought about the song by Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here

I want to try and not let God down...and believe that He won't let me down because everything is in His plan. I'm feeling this way for a reason, and He will help me through it.

Nocturnal Confusion

Well, switching to nights hasn't been so bad. I worked all day last Saturday, then worked on transitioning to staying up all night and sleeping in the day. So I worked my 8 hr shift on Monday night/Tuesday morning and actually didn't think it was so bad! It was a lot quieter, even though my nurse, Seth, and I had 7 patients and I was taking care of the whole team. There are a lot less meds to give, and patient concerns to tend to, plus my nurse and I didn't have an open bed so we didn't get an admission. It was pretty nice! But then, I had three days off and had to take my NCLEX on Wednesday, so I had to go back to the daytime schedule. Talk about messing with your body!

So I took my licensure exam on Wednesday... I took 75 questions and then it shut off. I was done. That freaked me out! I thought that some questions were really hard, and others were pretty easy...so I wasn't sure. I wished it would have given me more questions cause 75 meant I did really well, or I bombed it and there was no hope. But I paid my 7 bucks to find out early and I found out on Friday that I PASSED!!!!!! I'm pumped!! No more tests for a long while!!! I'm a real RN, BSN!

Allison, Rob, and I went out on Thursday night to meet Jered and some of his work friends at the Piano Bar. I kind of felt it was a little celebration of being done with my NCLEX...I didn't know the results yet, but I celebrated anyway! I had a good time hanging out with all of them and then going to Steak & Shake afterwards and seeing some hilarious drunk people!...unfortunately they were fellow KC Royals fans. :(

I had to work again on Friday night...which was tough. I tried to stay up Thursday night and sleep Friday, but didn't sleep very well at all. :( But the night was okay. We had a patient that we were really concerned about because she had extremely low blood pressure throughout the night. Right as we were coming on shift, her BP was as low as 75/doppler (normal is 120/80, doppler means that they couldn't even hear the diastolic number!). The first time the evening nurse called the doctor with slightly higher numbers, he said to watch her. I called again, just at the change of shift and the doctor ordered a very small fluid bolus (she had CHF, so we didn't want to fluid overload her). So we were busy watching her and helping the Aid check her BP every 30 minutes. We also got a new admission and she kept complaining of ongoing chest pain that we had to try and alleviate. It wasn't so bad, though. Saturday night wasn't bad at all, except that we only had 2 Nurse Aids for 26 patients...so we helped with her duties all night as well. Otherwise, my team was pretty easy. The hard thing was staying awake through early the early service at church after working all night.

Looking forward to having a normal night schedule and not having to switch all the time...we'll see how that works though!

Ashley

Having a "Real" job is hard work!

I've been really busy with work and trying to have a life while I still work normal people hours, so the blog has gone by the wayside a bit. But here I am back to give a quick update.

Work has been very busy. I finished up about 2 weeks of orientation with Makael on days and learned A LOT and I just got done with another 2 weeks with Susan. Both were great preceptors, Makael was more of the teacher, making sure I took it easy and could handle everything before I totally went off on my own, which was really nice because she still let me go off on my own and figure my way of doing it...which I will say hasn't quite been perfected yet. And Susan is super laid-back which has been good too, and I'm taking our whole team of patients now with Susan helping out on a few things like keeping up with new orders, talking to doctors when they come by, etc. I'm still getting lots of practice at all these things, but since she's sitting at the desk most of the time, she helps out with those things so I have a little more time. Days are crazy busy, but I've heard that nights aren't quite that busy, so I think I can handle that better than I am now. It just hasn't all come together yet, I still feel like I'm doing quite a bit of unnecessary running back and forth. But I know it'll get better with practice.

I start nights on Monday with my preceptor, Seth. I'm looking forward to everything but my messed up sleep schedule! I've already worked with Seth once and he's great, so I know it will be good. My nurses have all told me I'm doing a great job, so that makes me feel better too! I've had some crazy things happen, like a patient that got really confused with sundowners, sending my first pt to the ICU for a critical blood sugar level, receiving a pt from the unit who was taking 4 Hydrocodone pills every 4 hrs and was detoxing, work with a patient who had schizophrenia and helping her family get some help, and had to keep my cool when a patient's son was testing my intelligence and treating me and his mother like crap. Only one thing looms in the (not so very far) distance.........the NCLEX!

I take my NCLEX on Wednesday at 1pm!! Yikes! I've studied some, but not as much as I feel I should. I need to keep doing a bunch of review questions! I'm very unmotivated, but nervous about it at the same time, so some good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'll know two days after that how I did.

I went to Maryville for 4th of July with Rachel Fulton from Branson. We had a blast visiting with Cristy and Brooke and even Sarah was in town from D.C.!! Thursday and Friday I went to Oklahoma to visit my Mom, Dad, and Nate who were spending the week there, and Papa, the aunts & uncles, and cousins. Had a great time the couple of days I was able to spend with them! I can't wait to go back!!!

Love you all!!

Life as a GN, BSN at St. John's Hospital

Well, it took a few weeks, but I'm just about done with all the formal orientations and meetings and trainings. I had mini-orientation, then the full 2 day system-wide orientation, 1 day of nursing orientation (I still have to go to the second day next week), three days in the classroom with the nurse educator, three days of Epic training for the computer system, CPR certification, and First Touch class. I have a couple more days with Carrie the nurse educator to go over disease process stuff, day 2 of nursing orientation, then a dysrhythmia class on Monday. And I thought I'd be able to relax once school was over...

But I have spent a couple days with one of my preceptor nurses on the floor this week and it's been going really well!! I'm excited!! I think I've done a pretty good job, but the two patients that I took were pretty easy and didn't require a lot of stuff. My nurse did tell me that she thinks I'm going to be a good nurse, but I might need to toughen up a bit....we'll see what that means. :( I'm really glad to be working on the floor finally and treating patients!

Last week I went as a leader on the middle school mission trip for youth at church. It was kids grades 6-8...and in case you forgot, there is a BIG difference between sixth graders and eighth graders...most of them that is. It was a really great experience and we all had an awesome time getting to know each other better and serving the people in Noel, MO (about 1.5 hrs away). There were like 35 kids I think and 11 adults, so at times it was CRAZY, but other times I knew that the youth were just getting it and understanding what we were doing and really why.

My group and a couple others did landscaping/gardening work and cleared out a (practically) forest in a couples' front yard. The woman had been diagnosed with brain cancer a year ago and they had just started a big yard project, but then had to stop because she was undergoing treatment and he had to work more to pay the bills. This lady loves flowers and wanted their yard to look nice, so the church that we were working with set us up to work at her house. It was hard work, especially clearing out the forest area! There were so many fallen leaves and overgrown weeds and trees that you couldn't even tell there was dirt under there. But we got it done and the youth did a great job! The second site was painting a house for a mom and her 3 yr old daughter. This mother and her husband were living in the house when they were starting the adoption process to get their daughter. Then her husband passed away and she couldn't afford to live there anymore, so she went to live in an apartment and continued going through the process to adopt her little girl. Now, the church is trying to get Carla and her daughter back into the house so that the little girl can have a yard to play in and a real home. The youth did a great job of scraping and then painting that house as well! It really was a life-changing week for a lot of these youth and myself!

I'm Moving On...

Wow. I'm a college graduate! I did it! No more classes, finals, lectures, assignments, portfolios, clinical logs, etc! I almost can't believe it!! I graduated on Friday, May 15 after having my pinning ceremony for becoming a nurse that morning. The pinning ceremony was great and I felt so proud to have made it and "beat" nursing school! My favorite professor spoke (even though it as the same speech as last year, it was still nice I guess) and one of our classmates, Joe, gave an awesome speech! I walked at graduation at 1:30 in JQH Arena in my cap and gown with my Honors College sash and Magna Cum Laude cords. A bunch of my family and close friends were able to come and celebrate with me, including Mom, Dad, Nate, Papa, Uncle Ray, Aunt Sharah, Staci, Aunt Joyce & Uncle Paul (dad's side), close family friends Kyle & Debbie, and Brooke. Denise, Jon & Ashley Spalding, and Derylin & Maddi Dobyns were also able to come for some of the festivities. I have been soooooo incredibly blessed in my life to have so many people that have encouraged me, loved me, prayed for me, and cheered me on for my entire life! All of these people have helped me to survive the difficult years of college and I don't know that I would have been able to do it without them behind me.

My college days are over...for a while at least, and now I'm moving on to start my career as a professional nurse!! I'm so ready to get started!
So on Saturday, early in the morning we all left to go up to Maryville. After unloading everything, my dad, uncle, aunt, cousin, and myself all went to Mozingo Lake to go golfing. Now, this was my aunt, cousin, and I's first time golfing (the real kind with a bagillion big clubs and fairways, greens, little flags in the holes...and ponds and sandbars). Let's just say I am not going to be taking this up as my next project...I kinda stunk. I hit the ball pretty good several times and it looked really pretty, but other times I wacked at it and it went about 3 feet...or I hit it in the sandbars over and over again...and perhaps I may have hit a couple into the ponds on the course. It's okay though, it was a good time watching my dad and uncle try and be "pro's". That night was my brother, Nathan's graduation reception. I got to see a bunch of folks from my church, old school teachers, and others from the Ville which was nice. I really love the people in Maryville and I will definitely be coming home to see my family and all of them. They have really loving hearts and so many of them have helped to raise me a little bit, especially some of the old couples from church that were good friends with my grandparents...they really hold a special place in my heart! They treat me just like one of their own grandkids which has really helped me to deal with my grandpa's death and grandma's condition. My parents also have so many friends that are like second and third and fourth sets of parents to me! I am just so very blessed to have so many wonderful people that care about me!

Sunday was church and then Nate's graduation!!!! I still can't believe that my little brother is going to be a college student!!! Aaah! Afterwards, my aunt, uncle, and cousin left to go back home and we all got to hang out with Papa a little longer which was great! I drove Papa back down with me the following Wednesday when I had to come down to do stuff for my job and we met my aunt in Joplin for Papa to continue on with her. I love my Papa so much, so it was a great visit!

Well, I know I'm a little late, but hopefully I'll get off my lazy butt and get to writing a blog soon about my work experiences!!

Happy Nurse's Day!!!!

Today is National Nurse's Day and it's Nurses week from today (the 6th) through the 15th. Why you ask is Nurse's week starting in the middle of the week?? Well, I wondered that myself so I did some looking online and found that Nurse's week always starts May 6th, on National Nurse's Day, no matter what day of the week it is, and goes until the 15th which is Florence Nightingale's birthday. So there's your trivia for the day! I was very happy it was Nurse's Day because Kim brought me some Dove chocolate, and the nurse at the school shared her chocolate with us too! Chocolate always makes the day better!!

Today I had my last internship with the LINK clinic! Overall, I didn't feel like I was doing a whole lot to gain a better experience at being a nurse, but I liked working with Kim, the Nurse Practitioner, and the kids at the schools. I also liked working with this clinic because I can see that it is so needed for the low-income population in Springfield. One thing that bothered me was the fact that so many of these kids come from terrible home situations and are under such an enormous amount of stress that they shouldn't have to deal with. It broke my heart to hear these kids talk about their parents/grandparents/foster parents not having enough money to support them. I don't think I had any realization of my family's financial situation when I was in elementary school, but so many of these kids know the hardships their families are going through and they feel some responsibility for that. I was so saddened to see and hear about the children who were abandoned by their parents to be raised by grandparents or friends. But some of the parents made me really hopeful about this population, because you could see that some of the parents were really concerned about their children and would do whatever they could to help them get better. I know that as a nurse, I will be able to make a difference in all these children's lives. I will be able to help them when they're sick and try and comfort them when their sad, and give them a voice. I really want to help kids, I always have, and this experience made me see that I can do that in a variety of ways and in a variety of settings.

I made my first large purchase today as a nearly college graduate! I bought some nice new furniture for my apartment!! It's a tan colored microsuede and it's a couch, loveseat, and recliner set! Ooooooh! Pictures will come eventually once we get them moved in at the beginning of June.

Also, I got some FREE KFC for dinner tonight courtesy of Oprah!! I guess she made some announcement on her show yesterday and there's coupons online for a free KFC 2-piece grilled chicken dinner with 2 sides and a biscuit! After a lot of trials, we eventually got our four coupons and Allison, Rachel, Jered, and I went to go get our tasty meals. Guess a lot of other people had the same idea we did, cause the drive thru was about to circle the building and the line inside was just out the door!! Luckily it went pretty fast and we got our food and headed out. It was pretty good, not gonna lie, but unfortunately you can only print out the coupons today until midnight and you're supposed to only print out four per computer...but I didn't even get that far. We'll see, maybe I'll still have more luck tonight.

Weekend Update with Ashley

Okay, more like week and a half update at this point... Man I'm behind! Also, I started this blog on last Thursday, April 30, but I'm just now posting it today, Monday, May 3, sorry bout that!

The Friday before last, April 24, was Relay for Life!! I love Relay for Life and what it supports. Cancer research is one of my passions...I can't do the research myself, but I want to support those that do. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 16, soon-to-be 6 years ago! (Yay!!!) It's one of those things that I'll never forget and something I totally believe was a God thing. Not the actual cancer, of course, but the way it was discovered. My mom has always gotten her yearly mammograms and she went in for her regular checkup, like usual, but her usual doctor wasn't there, so a different one did the mammogram and looked at it. Well, something that looked ever-so-slightly off appeared on the scan, now Mom told me that she has pretty fibrous breast tissue and that little weird spots have shown up before but turned out to be nothing and Mom hadn't noticed any lumps. Well, since this doctor wasn't her usual one, he wanted to get it checked out, but if it was Dr. Harr, he may not have thought anything of it. So she went in for a needle biopsy of the mass and found that indeed it was cancerous, but it was very, very, VERY small. Seriously, like they almost never catch them this small...I don't exactly remember the size, but I wanna say it was only like a few milimeters or something... MILIMETERS! So, she was able to go in for surgery to remove the tumor, they sent the tissue to pathology to check just how far the cancer was in the lump and found that it was still on the edges of the sample they took out, so they went back in to remove a little more of the tissue with surgery. She had to undergo six weeks of radiation to the area and go on an anticancer medication and she now has checkups with an oncologist as well as Dr. Harr. She was so lucky that it was caught early!! It was still scary being faced at sixteen that your mom had cancer, up till that point I'd mostly thought of cancer as being in kids (leukemia) or old people. Not my forty-something mom. But she was surrounded by a team of great doctors and nurses that were taking care of her and our family, whole group of friends, and church family chipped in to help out wherever we needed it. They brought food out to the house when Mom got home from surgery, my grandma came out to the house to see how Mom was doing, some of our friends and church friends helped drive Mom to and from her radiation appointments 45 minutes away in St. Joe when she was worried about being too tired to drive, and one of our friends who is a nurse even came out to our house in the middle of the night (rather than having us call an ambulance) to take care of Mom when her incision busted open. I saw then how good some people can be and that's one why I loved growing up in a small town where you knew so many people that you could count on to help out whenever they could.

So Relay came to mean a whole new thing to our family. It reminded me of my mom's strength and that she was able to overcome cancer and caught it early. This is why I love that Relay not only supports research, but also money for prevention and education about all different types of cancer. Prevention and screening is the key! Now I know that you can't prevent or screen every type of cancer, some are just very hard to detect early, but in this case, breast cancer is easy to screen for. That's why I will go and get my mammogram every year from the time I'm 30! It will suck, but it's one thing that will help me to be healthy!

I did Relay for Life this year with a team of my fellow senior nursing students! It was super fun!! We played Catchphrase and the RN game!! Yes, we learned something through a board game and it was great! And this year I was walking for my mom, Grandma Barnes, and Allison's uncle Tom specifically.

Nothing terribly exciting happened last week except for eating out at Lamberts, going to my still pointless internship, helping with the dinner served at church by the youth group, attending my last class as an undergrad, taking a class picture with my fellow mimes/burglars/goths :), working during the flu epidemic (totally kidding, MSU DOES NOT have swine flu, so please don't come to Taylor), youth group, and a BBQ at Jessica & Eric Sentell's.

This has been the weekend update with Ashley. Have a great night everybody!

This is Real

It's all becoming so real. I'm going to be a real nurse, on my own, no one to hold my hand anymore! I realized this the other day when the youth director at church asked me if I would be the nurse for our mission trip this summer. No big deal, right...but then I realized that means I will take care of kids that get sick or injured, and I will be in charge of all the medications! Wow! It's a lot of responsibility, and I hope I can handle it...I think I can, I think I can!

I'm in my last undergrad. nursing class right now!! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!! Nursing school has been so tough and I'm glad that the last half of this semester has been quite a bit easier than previously! I know some of you say I don't do anything, and the last half of the semester you are close to being right...cause really I've just done stuff with my change project (doing the meeting, writing the paper, giving my class presentation). I can't say that I'm disappointed by that though! I remember spending hours on fundamentals and med-surg clinical logs the night before, staying up late, then having to leave before dawn to go to the hospital. Not fun! I remember stressing out about knowing everything about every disease known to man and having to know it all for a test. Definitely not fun. I remember having to learn a million medications that I'd never heard of and how they work, side effects, uses, etc. I thought my brain might explode...not fun. I remember the orientation day and being so overwhelmed that I began to doubt my ability to be a good nurse and doubting whether going to MSU was a good idea. I remember calling my mom and bawling to her about how I couldn't do it. But she told me I could...too many times to count when I was doubting and worrying and stressed. There's no way I could have done it without her!!!

Nursing school was super hard, but I always knew I was meant to be a nurse. I remember spending time with a patient and comforting her when she was scared about her cancer and recovering from surgery, and still grieving the loss of her husband. I remember really talking with a patient who said that no one listened to him. I remember trying to comfort a husband who was worried about his wife and her condition. I remember providing basic care to give comfort to a dying patient and holding his hand. I remember knowing just what to tell a worried family member about a procedure. These are just some of the reasons I want to be a nurse.

This is so real and it's coming fast. I'm ready to be a nurse...but worried about the responsibilities that come with it. But I can do it! I've got a God who doesn't give me more than I can handle and family and friends who always support me! I can do it!

What a Wonderful Day!

Today was soooo beautiful outside it was hard to be anything but in a great mood!

I started off by getting up (almost on time) and getting ready for my last presentation as a BSN student!!!! Woot! I am loving the warm weather, so I just had to bring on the skirt which ended up being a good choice! I think my presentation went pretty well actually, although I wasn't at all excited about my project as a whole. I did hand hygiene again, like last semester only with a very different community. I would have liked to do something else, but projects are quite limited when you're working in a hospital and there are things going on, but they're already taken over by committees, etc. So the only thing that Kim gave me was to re-educate the staff on hand hygiene. So I did it, it turned out well and it really is extremely important, but it just wasn't something that I gained a lot from. But I guess it was pretty easy.

We got out of class early, which is always nice and I got to go over and see the little girls at Scholars to hang out for a bit before my clinical evaluation with Carol Daniel. It went well, as they all have and I'm feeling more and more confident in my abilities as a nurse. I also talked with her a little bit about my future plans. I'm thinking more and more about going back to get a Masters or Nurse Educator degree if I get tired of working in the hospital. I've been thinking more about the Nurse Educator thing since talking with Sara, a sophomore who's going into the nursing program, and encouraging her throughout the past year. I think that's something that I might just be good at, in the clinical setting. Who knows though...

After my evaluation, I went with my roommate Allison to Adam & Eve to pick out a Bachelorette present for her soon-to-be sister-in-law before the wedding this weekend. Let me tell you, that was different experience for both of us!! It was pretty much awkward and it was only made worse by the sales lady that insisted on telling us about the specials and sales adn checking on us and then telling us everything about the product that Allison bought...more than we needed to know!!!

Then, Emily, Rachel, and I went in search of a new park so that we could just go, get away from everything, sit in the sun and relax. It was wonderful!!! So refreshing and it was beautiful outside! I loved it and definitely think it needs to happen again!!! So overall, this was a pretty good day...with a minor event of awkwardness. :)

It's getting close...

I turned in my last paper as a college student today!!! I also turned in my ginormous portfolio earlier this week that included everything I've done in nursing school...let me tell you, it was a beast! I'm so glad all that's over! Now I just have to give my little 10 minute presentation in class next week, take one final during finals week, and I'm done. It's all sooo crazy and coming up so fast! I'm so ready for graduation!

Also, I made the decision today to do something crazy... I'm going to go skydiving with some nursing friends! Oh man, we're going either during finals week or just after graduation, so pray that I don't die...jk!! I'm not really nervous about the falling or anything cause I'll be strapped to an instructor the entire time. It's just the jumping out of a plane thing. I think I might try and chicken out once we get up there and I won't be able to do it. I guess it's a good thing I'll have someone to do it for me!

He Arose!!

I had a wonderful Easter break! I got to go down to Oklahoma to visit my family and it was just a wonderful time of refreshment and not worrying about school and everything else. I left Springfield on Thursday and drove the long drive to Warner, Oklahoma. I had to stop in Pryor to fill up on gas, get something to drink, and give Julie Bates a little shout-out but otherwise I had the pedal to the metal to get the drive over with. I made my first stop at my uncle's tractor supply & feed store to let them know I was there and I helped my aunt work on a mowing machine a little bit. When it was closing time we all went back to the house. A storm was blowing through so we sat and waited for the storm to pass and hoping that we didn't get hit by a tornado! No tornado though, and no serious damage was done except for the power being knocked out for a couple of hours and one tragedy...the old wooden outhouse they had in their backyard was blown over. :( Then my cousin, Staci, and I took off for Checotah, OK (the nearest Wal-Mart, about 20 min. away) to get her a new cell phone since hers was murdered by her horse. Evidently a couple days before I got there she was riding one of her horses and she was texting at the same time...well the horse got spooked by something and reared up, knocking her off, and stomping on her phone! I couldn't help but laugh when I heard this because she killed another phone when she was riding her horse and he went in the pond and she forgot about her phone being in her pocket....in case you can't tell, she's a little blonde! :)

The next day while Staci was off at school, Aunt Sharah and I lazied around the house for once in the morning, then went to check all the cows to make sure they weren't having trouble calving. Then we went to the store. Ray had just got a shipment of feed in and it all needed to be sorted out and moved inside. Let me tell you, this was a FUN job...not! We ended up moving about 3 tons of 50 lb. bags of feed!!! And I guess we even made more work for ourselves than we needed to because we didn't realize that we could stack 1/2 full pallets on top of themselves to send to the other store in Porter. Ray got a big laugh out of that and needless to say, I was a little sore the next day. The rest of the day I helped organize the shelves in the store and move some stuff around to make more room and label shelves. After the store closed we all went back out to check cows, move some over from the house to a different field, and feed them. We had several new babies and they were all so stinking cute! I'm always surprised when I got out ther at how well behaved their cows are...they're almost tame! Our cows at home hate when we mess with the babies, but their's are actually okay with it as long as they are right there with them. Of course, all this meant that we didn't get to thinking about eating dinner until like 8:30 and we were too tired to make anything, so we had to settle for the only thing open in town...McDonald's. Staci went out to go bowling in Checotah and then spend the night at a friend's house so it was just us and we spent our exciting night watching a Hallmark movie. :)

Saturday we got up, checked cows, and went to the store. That afternoon after the store was closed, Ray, Sharah, Papa, and I worked on a cattle chute that Ray and Sharah were going to put out on some land that they were leasing for their cows. It was an old, rusted thing that we were going to fix up and put some casters on so we could roll it a little easier than trying to carry the heavy thing into place. Earlier that day, Staci was telling us all about her night in Checotah and discovering "cruising". It was so funny cause she thought this was such a cool, new concept...but really, all of us had done it. So she and her friend Meghan got this brilliant idea to go cruising in my uncle's old junky Chevy truck because the guys were so impressed the night before with her truck. "Whitey" is a 1978 standard Chevy truck that's white...but with lots of rust spots, a hay spear in the back, and it's getting on it's last leg of life. The girls took it to fill up on gas and it died on them after they got there because it was a little too hot. :) It reminds me of my dad's old truck that's an '81 standard Chevy. Staci's friend had never driven a standard before so she took her out in the pasture to teach her. Then my aunt decided to relive her childhood days and teach us all how to properly do donuts in the field! It was so much fun speeding around there and leaping over the terraces...but I was a little afraid for my life when she told us not to hang on to the doors because she's had them fall out on her before (and I was on the outside edge and kept hitting the passenger door)!! My aunt is so cool. She was telling us about all the trouble she used to cause and her tricks to evade the cops or make her truck sound louder and make the pipes rattle! Now I kinda want to take my dad's old truck out into the pasture and drive around in it. :) It was so funny! That night we delivered the chute, checked cows, and finally made it out to eat at a decent hour. Sharah and I had to make a quick run through the grocery store before heading home to watch a new Hallmark movie. Then, we had some drama when their little rat terrier, Bucky, chased down a possum and Papa and Ray had to go shoot it. I swear this dog must think he is big stuff because this possum was probably twice his size, but he got right in there and grabbed it by the tail to drag him out and then grabbed him by the neck and shook it around! Crazy dog.

Sunday, we all rose very early to go to the sunrise service at their church. It was pouring down rain almost all day, but we still went to the service and then we all made breakfast afterward at their church. The spirit was just amazing that even though it was gross and raining outside, everyone was so joyful and happy to have been saved by the great sacrifice that Christ did for us and that He rose again to conquer death so that we might all live! Amazing!!! I am so thankful that the God did not give up on us, but yearns for all of us to be with Him and made that possible through His Son! After church, the joy continued when a bunch of my family came over for a late lunch and Easter egg hunt! Papa, my aunt Della, Uncle Shawn, their kids Elliott, Tiffany, and Steven, Tiffany's boyfriend Blake, and her children Clark and Avori all came over. It was my first time meeting Tiff's new boyfriend Blake and their brand-new (literally...just born on Tuesday) little baby, Avori. He was so precious! I actually liked Blake too, better than any of my cousin's bf's/gf's/husbands/wives. He just fit in with the family so well and didn't just sit there not talking to anyone like some others have. He talked with all of us and was interested in getting to know us, plus he really seemed to care about Tiffany's other son and their new baby. My family may be a little disfunctional and not the traditional family, but I love them just the same! It's what makes us unique and brings us closer in those hard times. We then all hunted Easter eggs in the yard...which was interesting because it was all soggy and gross outside, but fun just the same. We all got really competitive and whenever they would give us a clue, we would shove each other out of the way to try and get it! No one got hurt though...and it was all in good fun! :)

I really loved my time at my "second home" this weekend! It's always a humbling experience and pushes me to be a hard working person just like all of them. I'm really eager to learn new things whenever I'm down there. My dad didn't really show me how to do some of the things I've learned down there, like mowing hay, because our haying is mostly a one person job. But I always like learning more about farm life and getting in there and getting my hands dirty right along with them. My country roots and the values I've learned from them are an important part of who I am!

Second Thoughts...

Uggh! I'm having second thoughts about taking this job at St. John's. I'm sure a lot of it is that I just don't know what to expect. I don't know much about St. John's. I've only been there three times (one as a patient in the ER only, once to visit someone, and once for my interview). I'm worried that I'm not going to like my floor at all. It worries me that the turnover rate is so high for patients. I'm worried I won't be able to keep up and that I'll just be running around all day trying to stay afloat and that I will go crazy. I'm worried that the nurse's will eat me. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm supposed to try and be tough and stick up for myself against them...but we all know that's just not me and I'm worried that even if I try and stick up for myself that they will all gang up on me or talk about me behind my back. I hate that nurses eat their young...remind me to NEVER be that way!

I just think I may have rushed into all this because I was scared about not getting a job at all. I know a lot more about Cox and really wanted to work there more, but I jumped at any job, so I took this one. But people in my class are having interviews and getting jobs at Cox, jobs in areas that they really wanted. The excitement has worn off and I just worry that I settled and that I'm going to hate it. I really hope this is all just in my head...

Growing Up

I just finished up my last Spring Break at home. It's all a little surreal and crazy to think that I will no longer be a student in just a couple of months. I'll be on my own. Having to take charge of my life and live by my own means. Off my parents help.

Now, in my four years of college I haven't had to rely on my parents for a ton, but they do give me a little money from time to time and buy my some groceries when I'm home. But the biggest thing that is going to be an adjustment is having to deal with "grown up things"...like health insurance, car insurance, changing my permanent address, not being claimed as a dependent and thus having to deal more with taxes, etc. Like most of you, I have been sheltered and haven't had to deal with anything like this before. Now I have managed my own money since I was sixteen and my dad has made me fill out my own taxes every year...but he's always checked them for me and walked me through the process when I've made a mistake.

Also, I've felt this a little more in the last year or two, but I'm coming to realize that Maryville is no longer my place of residence. It will always be my home, but I don't have the connection to the school and most of my old classmates and friends like I used to. This week I went to my brother's choir performance at my old high school and realized that even a bunch of the teachers have changed and I am no longer a part of that aspect of the community. The teachers have changed, the students have changed, and I have changed. I am no longer the high schooler who sat in class with my close friends and pretty much kept to herself. I am not the girl who thought that she could actually stay in Maryville for much of her life. I am not the Christian girl who thought that she had a relationship with Christ and was content just doing what she'd always been doing.

I have changed. I know what I want to do and where I want to be (for as long as I feel called to be here). I know I am a blessed child of God and that my relationship with Christ is continually growing and changing. I feel closer to Him than I was last year and I hope that next year I will be closer still. It is scary to grow up and have to do things on my own, but I am not alone and never will be. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love me, encourage me, and will be willing to help me: my parents, my friends (yes, that's you guys!), Denise, Jon, the Dobyns, my aunt & uncle, my grandpa, my church family here and in Maryville, and many more. I am blessed and so happy to have these people in my life!!

(So this blog turned into something totally different than when it started...but that's cool!)

So it's been a while...

Alright, so it's been a while since my last post. Here's what I've been up to since...

• I started my community clinicals in the hospital up on 8W. It's been interesting working with the nurse manager and I'm seeing a whole different side to nursing that's beyond giving direct patient care
• I've been continuing to do just about nothing with LINK clinic for my internship
• Continuing to be disturbed and freaked out by what I'm learning/seeing in my SANE class
• Helping with the youth group at King's Way UMC
  
• Working on my portfolio & stuff for classes
• Studying...and then PASSING the Final HESI!!!
• Moving my membership from FUMC in Maryville to KWUMC here in Springfield
• Interviewing for a position at St. John's on a Cardiac unit and applying for more jobs at Cox and St. John's
• Being a part of a Lenten Bible Study through church
• Hanging out with my amazing, super, wonderful, beautiful, awesome, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious friends!!!!!!!!

And I think that's just about it!

Her Life's Legacy

Today marks one year since my dear Granny passed away from a stroke in Oklahoma City.

Don't forget.
Don't forget her laughter.
Don't forget her intense love.
Don't forget how proud she was of you.
Don't forget how forgiving she was of everyone.
Don't forget how she couldn't say no to anyone who needed help.
Don't forget how she would do ANYTHING she could for ANYONE.
Don't forget that she gave anything to everyone else, even more than she had or could afford at the time.
Don't forget how she held on until everyone could come see her one last time.
Don't forget the way she was before.

I could never forget her, but these are some things I definitely don't want to forget.

I love you Granny, always! I'm rejoicing that you are free from pain and frustrations. I'm rejoicing that you are with our Father joking with Him in Heaven!!!! I hope your cordless phone's working! :)

The Impossible

This weekend I got the opportunity to spend some time with my family in Oklahoma. I had a great time, as always, and got to see some pretty darn good high school basketball games. Yesterday we all went to their little country Pentecostal church. I really love going to this church with them because the people truly exemplify what it means to be a Christian. They really love everyone there and they show such joy at what the Lord is doing. They don't claim a thing for themselves, but know that it is the Lord's work and that He has blessed them with far more than anyone deserves. They are simple people and I know that they don't have the things that other people do but they take pride in what they do have and are so thankful for their lives and the work God is doing in them. They have even encouraged me to get up and sing several times and I know that even if I sounded worse than a dying cat up there, they would still tell me that I was doing a great thing by singing for the Lord.

The sermon was about how God can do the impossible and that if we only believe, nothing is beyond His power. Now, I know that God has a plan and that sometimes, even when we want the impossible to happen, it doesn't because there is a better reason for the other thing to happen. For example, I believe that in Granny's death my family has become closer to one another and we cherish the time that we spend. My Aunt, Uncle, and cousin Daniel have come around more and I can tell that Daniel has really changed and that he is glad for all the time that he can spend with his family. But, with that realization, I also know that God really can do amazing things, more than anyone can explain. Things that seem utterly impossible. I may think it's impossible that I could possibly pass my final HESI on the first try, but I know that God can do it and I have faith that it will happen. I'm going to do my part and study my butt off, but I just know that God has not brought me this far only for me fail. I am confident in the Lord!

Country Christmas

Okay, well I know I'm a little late in writing this...just like my last posts, but I promise I'll try and do better from now on!

My last Christmas break was great and I had a great time with my family and friends! I left Springfield after youth to drive down to Porum, OK. It was one heck of a long drive and I was tired after having an exciting youth Christmas party, but I made it there at around midnight and then immediately fell asleep once my head hit the pillow of my cousin's bed. The next day, Staci and I were awoken by our usual 8am wake up call from my uncle before he went to work. That morning was when the feuding began...my mom thought she would do a nice thing for my grandpa and get the application he needed to fill out to get my grandma's life insurance check sent to him. She started filling it out for him, but obviously couldn't finish it because he had to sign it and she needed a death certificate to attach to it. So mom called Aunt Judy, who had all the copies of the death certificate, and asked if she could have one for the papers. Well, Judy got it stuck in her head that because Mom was filling out the papers, that she would get the check. Duh, that's not the way it works and EVERYONE tried to tell her that...she literally called everyone in the family and no one gave her the answer she wanted, so she wouldn't give a copy to Mom. So, Mom decided to just go get a copy for herself from the Health Department that afternoon. We all lounged around a little that morning and then Staci and I had planned to go to Muskogee to finish up some Christmas shopping and get groceries that mom had forgotten to pick up. We were headed to the mall, when Staci wasn't paying close enough attention and rear-ended the truck in front of us. She's just 16 and she was scared to death and really upset, so I got to deal with that and talk to her parents. We were fine, but my uncle's truck wasn't as pretty as it was when they got it a couple months ago. :( So we went to the mall, shopped for Christmas presents, and got our nails done (she got a manicure w/ fake nails, and I got a pedicure). I got hit on by the guy that was with me and asked out for New Years..or at least that's what I think he said ;) I sadly had to decline him, but we parted as friends who will hopefully never see each other again. We ended up traveling back to Muskogee the two very next days to try and take care of stuff for Staci's wreck and pick up a few more groceries.

Most of the family was able to come out to the house at least sometime throughout the day on Christmas...Papa, Ray, Sharah, Staci, Mom, Dad, Nate, and my cousin Daniel and I were always there, but my aunt Della, her husband Sean, Elliott, Steven, Lance with his girlfriend and daughter, and my cousin Tiffany's son Clark stopped by, as well as my aunt Genny and her husband John. Aunt Judy didn't come. We exchanged gifts throughout the day and just spent time together watching movies, playing games, eating, and talking. That's what my family does best! It was a special Christmas because my cousin Daniel just graduated from Basic Training with the Army and will now start Air Ranger training back in Georgia. Instead of going home for his leave, he came to Oklahoma to see Papa and spend time with the rest of us. We all took pictures for him before he left to put in a mini digital frame my mom bought him and a photo album Ray and Sharah got him. It was a great Christmas with my family and remembering the true meaning of the season.

The next day, there was no rest for the weary and Sharah put some of us, including myself, to work outside. She wanted to make a circle drive out in front of her house, so we were setting up railroad ties to border it. This meant that we had to dig out the ground to make it all level with the blade on the tractor and our shovels. We were doing really good, until my dad was driving the tractor and trying to even out a little hill when...he snagged the propane line that wasn't buried very deep and broke it! Next thing I know, we're telling Dad to kill the tractor and Sharah goes running for the tank to turn off the gas. We had a problem. So we had to get parts and recruit some help from Papa and a family friend to help cut off the broken section of pipe and attach a new piece. Done. So then we went back to work...without the tractor. There was a bunch of slate underneath the dirt there, and it was horrific to try and break up with a shovel, so we started using a pick to bust it up. I was working the pick, then Sharah decided that she would take that over for a little bit...and I swear, not two more seconds till we hear a little crash...she had busted a hole in the sewer line that time! Luckily there was nothing running so we didn't have a nasty mess, but that was yet another repair that had to be made before we could get going on this project again! Me and Staci decided that was a good cue to leave, so we ducked back inside at that. :)

That was all for the mishaps of the week, and Mom, Dad, Nate, and I left Small-town, Oklahoma to head back up to Maryville that Saturday. It was nice when we left...like in the 60s or 70s, but when we got home...it was in the 20s and spitting snow! Plus, I was the first one home since they had to drop Nate off at work, and I arrived to an inch of ice covering our back door. Fun. I had to find the hidden basement key, go in that way, and then walk all the way back around the house with a hammer and screwdriver to get the ice chipped off! I could already tell it was going to be a good week. :( It wasn't really that bad, the weather was tolerable and I spent a lot of time hanging out with Brook and Cristy or getting things done at home. I was pretty impressed with myself on New Years Eve when I made not only brownies, but also a cheeseball and vegetable pizza. Yum! I went over to Cristy's and we went wild of course...not really, but we did use their fancy pants blender to make pina coladas. The only bad thing was that we actually put the required amount of rum in them...and you could REALLY taste it! It was a little much for our taste, so the water suited us just fine for the rest of the night. Overall, my Christmas break was amazing!! I'm really going to miss having a month off every year! :(