Letdown

I don't know what it is, but lately I've just felt....I'm not even sure what word I'm looking for... inadequate, disappointed, letdown, sad... (all of the above?)

Maybe it's all the change that's been going on in my life right now and the awkwardness going on. I just feel unsatisfied. I thought it would be different. I thought I would love getting out of school and being on my own...don't get me wrong, there are parts that I really don't miss about school. But it seems like a lot more is different now than I thought it would be. I mean, I can't just blow off homework or get off work easily anymore to go do something I want to do. I have to go to work... and I don't have a whole lot of choice about when that is cause I'm the low priority. I don't like rarely having more than 2 days off in a row. I miss my friends and just being able to chill and hang out. I miss spending every day with the same people and being able to help each other. I miss living with my good friends. Not that I don't love Sara, but it's not the same. I don't quite feel the same comfort and homeyness as I did last year. I don't feel like I can fully be myself with Sara and Amanda. I sometimes feel like I have to walk on eggshells and be careful that I don't make a mess and don't leave anything out or walk around without being fully dressed (which is okay since I'm in the master bedroom by myself, but sometimes I want to go grab something to munch on while I'm drying off after a shower...but I think the girls would have a minor cow if I walked around in my bra and undies).

I just hate feeling judged...and that I'm not good enough (or not what people are looking for in a roommate, coworker, friend, nurse, etc). I know I can't please everyone and that's a problem I have to deal with, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough at everything.

Another thing that's been bothering me is I feel so letdown by so many people in my life... myself, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, etc. I feel like I've let myself down in the way that I am and act around people (my timid and shy nature). I tell myself that I can do this...I can be more outgoing, but I chicken out because of my fear of rejection and I back away. I so wish that I could be bold. Like everyone, my family, friends, people I work with, people I look up to, and more people have let me down or disappointed me in some way or another. I know that no one is perfect, but my trust and faith in others is shaken whenever these things happen.

I was thinking about all this when I went to visit my family in Oklahoma this weekend. I was just really feeling down on myself and my situation, so I looked in my aunt's Bible for some sort of encouragement or inspiration and I saw that she had highlighted Psalm 34:18-19.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

This spoke to me because this is how I was feeling...my heart had been broken by the disappointments that I had let bother me, and my spirit was crushed by my self-esteem issues and shaken faith in others. I realize that I need to trust in God. That's the answer to everything is having faith that God will come through and help me to get through all this and heal my spirit. It will take time... and won't happen on my terms, but I need to work on really believing in the power of God and His plans.

When I was thinking about all the times I'd been let down, I was reminded that I have let all these people down myself and most of all, I've let God down. I let Him down when I chose not to trust Him, I let Him down when I stopped spending time with Him everyday and making choices that truly reflect that. I thought about the song by Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here

I want to try and not let God down...and believe that He won't let me down because everything is in His plan. I'm feeling this way for a reason, and He will help me through it.

Nocturnal Confusion

Well, switching to nights hasn't been so bad. I worked all day last Saturday, then worked on transitioning to staying up all night and sleeping in the day. So I worked my 8 hr shift on Monday night/Tuesday morning and actually didn't think it was so bad! It was a lot quieter, even though my nurse, Seth, and I had 7 patients and I was taking care of the whole team. There are a lot less meds to give, and patient concerns to tend to, plus my nurse and I didn't have an open bed so we didn't get an admission. It was pretty nice! But then, I had three days off and had to take my NCLEX on Wednesday, so I had to go back to the daytime schedule. Talk about messing with your body!

So I took my licensure exam on Wednesday... I took 75 questions and then it shut off. I was done. That freaked me out! I thought that some questions were really hard, and others were pretty easy...so I wasn't sure. I wished it would have given me more questions cause 75 meant I did really well, or I bombed it and there was no hope. But I paid my 7 bucks to find out early and I found out on Friday that I PASSED!!!!!! I'm pumped!! No more tests for a long while!!! I'm a real RN, BSN!

Allison, Rob, and I went out on Thursday night to meet Jered and some of his work friends at the Piano Bar. I kind of felt it was a little celebration of being done with my NCLEX...I didn't know the results yet, but I celebrated anyway! I had a good time hanging out with all of them and then going to Steak & Shake afterwards and seeing some hilarious drunk people!...unfortunately they were fellow KC Royals fans. :(

I had to work again on Friday night...which was tough. I tried to stay up Thursday night and sleep Friday, but didn't sleep very well at all. :( But the night was okay. We had a patient that we were really concerned about because she had extremely low blood pressure throughout the night. Right as we were coming on shift, her BP was as low as 75/doppler (normal is 120/80, doppler means that they couldn't even hear the diastolic number!). The first time the evening nurse called the doctor with slightly higher numbers, he said to watch her. I called again, just at the change of shift and the doctor ordered a very small fluid bolus (she had CHF, so we didn't want to fluid overload her). So we were busy watching her and helping the Aid check her BP every 30 minutes. We also got a new admission and she kept complaining of ongoing chest pain that we had to try and alleviate. It wasn't so bad, though. Saturday night wasn't bad at all, except that we only had 2 Nurse Aids for 26 patients...so we helped with her duties all night as well. Otherwise, my team was pretty easy. The hard thing was staying awake through early the early service at church after working all night.

Looking forward to having a normal night schedule and not having to switch all the time...we'll see how that works though!

Ashley

Having a "Real" job is hard work!

I've been really busy with work and trying to have a life while I still work normal people hours, so the blog has gone by the wayside a bit. But here I am back to give a quick update.

Work has been very busy. I finished up about 2 weeks of orientation with Makael on days and learned A LOT and I just got done with another 2 weeks with Susan. Both were great preceptors, Makael was more of the teacher, making sure I took it easy and could handle everything before I totally went off on my own, which was really nice because she still let me go off on my own and figure my way of doing it...which I will say hasn't quite been perfected yet. And Susan is super laid-back which has been good too, and I'm taking our whole team of patients now with Susan helping out on a few things like keeping up with new orders, talking to doctors when they come by, etc. I'm still getting lots of practice at all these things, but since she's sitting at the desk most of the time, she helps out with those things so I have a little more time. Days are crazy busy, but I've heard that nights aren't quite that busy, so I think I can handle that better than I am now. It just hasn't all come together yet, I still feel like I'm doing quite a bit of unnecessary running back and forth. But I know it'll get better with practice.

I start nights on Monday with my preceptor, Seth. I'm looking forward to everything but my messed up sleep schedule! I've already worked with Seth once and he's great, so I know it will be good. My nurses have all told me I'm doing a great job, so that makes me feel better too! I've had some crazy things happen, like a patient that got really confused with sundowners, sending my first pt to the ICU for a critical blood sugar level, receiving a pt from the unit who was taking 4 Hydrocodone pills every 4 hrs and was detoxing, work with a patient who had schizophrenia and helping her family get some help, and had to keep my cool when a patient's son was testing my intelligence and treating me and his mother like crap. Only one thing looms in the (not so very far) distance.........the NCLEX!

I take my NCLEX on Wednesday at 1pm!! Yikes! I've studied some, but not as much as I feel I should. I need to keep doing a bunch of review questions! I'm very unmotivated, but nervous about it at the same time, so some good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'll know two days after that how I did.

I went to Maryville for 4th of July with Rachel Fulton from Branson. We had a blast visiting with Cristy and Brooke and even Sarah was in town from D.C.!! Thursday and Friday I went to Oklahoma to visit my Mom, Dad, and Nate who were spending the week there, and Papa, the aunts & uncles, and cousins. Had a great time the couple of days I was able to spend with them! I can't wait to go back!!!

Love you all!!

Life as a GN, BSN at St. John's Hospital

Well, it took a few weeks, but I'm just about done with all the formal orientations and meetings and trainings. I had mini-orientation, then the full 2 day system-wide orientation, 1 day of nursing orientation (I still have to go to the second day next week), three days in the classroom with the nurse educator, three days of Epic training for the computer system, CPR certification, and First Touch class. I have a couple more days with Carrie the nurse educator to go over disease process stuff, day 2 of nursing orientation, then a dysrhythmia class on Monday. And I thought I'd be able to relax once school was over...

But I have spent a couple days with one of my preceptor nurses on the floor this week and it's been going really well!! I'm excited!! I think I've done a pretty good job, but the two patients that I took were pretty easy and didn't require a lot of stuff. My nurse did tell me that she thinks I'm going to be a good nurse, but I might need to toughen up a bit....we'll see what that means. :( I'm really glad to be working on the floor finally and treating patients!

Last week I went as a leader on the middle school mission trip for youth at church. It was kids grades 6-8...and in case you forgot, there is a BIG difference between sixth graders and eighth graders...most of them that is. It was a really great experience and we all had an awesome time getting to know each other better and serving the people in Noel, MO (about 1.5 hrs away). There were like 35 kids I think and 11 adults, so at times it was CRAZY, but other times I knew that the youth were just getting it and understanding what we were doing and really why.

My group and a couple others did landscaping/gardening work and cleared out a (practically) forest in a couples' front yard. The woman had been diagnosed with brain cancer a year ago and they had just started a big yard project, but then had to stop because she was undergoing treatment and he had to work more to pay the bills. This lady loves flowers and wanted their yard to look nice, so the church that we were working with set us up to work at her house. It was hard work, especially clearing out the forest area! There were so many fallen leaves and overgrown weeds and trees that you couldn't even tell there was dirt under there. But we got it done and the youth did a great job! The second site was painting a house for a mom and her 3 yr old daughter. This mother and her husband were living in the house when they were starting the adoption process to get their daughter. Then her husband passed away and she couldn't afford to live there anymore, so she went to live in an apartment and continued going through the process to adopt her little girl. Now, the church is trying to get Carla and her daughter back into the house so that the little girl can have a yard to play in and a real home. The youth did a great job of scraping and then painting that house as well! It really was a life-changing week for a lot of these youth and myself!

I'm Moving On...

Wow. I'm a college graduate! I did it! No more classes, finals, lectures, assignments, portfolios, clinical logs, etc! I almost can't believe it!! I graduated on Friday, May 15 after having my pinning ceremony for becoming a nurse that morning. The pinning ceremony was great and I felt so proud to have made it and "beat" nursing school! My favorite professor spoke (even though it as the same speech as last year, it was still nice I guess) and one of our classmates, Joe, gave an awesome speech! I walked at graduation at 1:30 in JQH Arena in my cap and gown with my Honors College sash and Magna Cum Laude cords. A bunch of my family and close friends were able to come and celebrate with me, including Mom, Dad, Nate, Papa, Uncle Ray, Aunt Sharah, Staci, Aunt Joyce & Uncle Paul (dad's side), close family friends Kyle & Debbie, and Brooke. Denise, Jon & Ashley Spalding, and Derylin & Maddi Dobyns were also able to come for some of the festivities. I have been soooooo incredibly blessed in my life to have so many people that have encouraged me, loved me, prayed for me, and cheered me on for my entire life! All of these people have helped me to survive the difficult years of college and I don't know that I would have been able to do it without them behind me.

My college days are over...for a while at least, and now I'm moving on to start my career as a professional nurse!! I'm so ready to get started!
So on Saturday, early in the morning we all left to go up to Maryville. After unloading everything, my dad, uncle, aunt, cousin, and myself all went to Mozingo Lake to go golfing. Now, this was my aunt, cousin, and I's first time golfing (the real kind with a bagillion big clubs and fairways, greens, little flags in the holes...and ponds and sandbars). Let's just say I am not going to be taking this up as my next project...I kinda stunk. I hit the ball pretty good several times and it looked really pretty, but other times I wacked at it and it went about 3 feet...or I hit it in the sandbars over and over again...and perhaps I may have hit a couple into the ponds on the course. It's okay though, it was a good time watching my dad and uncle try and be "pro's". That night was my brother, Nathan's graduation reception. I got to see a bunch of folks from my church, old school teachers, and others from the Ville which was nice. I really love the people in Maryville and I will definitely be coming home to see my family and all of them. They have really loving hearts and so many of them have helped to raise me a little bit, especially some of the old couples from church that were good friends with my grandparents...they really hold a special place in my heart! They treat me just like one of their own grandkids which has really helped me to deal with my grandpa's death and grandma's condition. My parents also have so many friends that are like second and third and fourth sets of parents to me! I am just so very blessed to have so many wonderful people that care about me!

Sunday was church and then Nate's graduation!!!! I still can't believe that my little brother is going to be a college student!!! Aaah! Afterwards, my aunt, uncle, and cousin left to go back home and we all got to hang out with Papa a little longer which was great! I drove Papa back down with me the following Wednesday when I had to come down to do stuff for my job and we met my aunt in Joplin for Papa to continue on with her. I love my Papa so much, so it was a great visit!

Well, I know I'm a little late, but hopefully I'll get off my lazy butt and get to writing a blog soon about my work experiences!!

Happy Nurse's Day!!!!

Today is National Nurse's Day and it's Nurses week from today (the 6th) through the 15th. Why you ask is Nurse's week starting in the middle of the week?? Well, I wondered that myself so I did some looking online and found that Nurse's week always starts May 6th, on National Nurse's Day, no matter what day of the week it is, and goes until the 15th which is Florence Nightingale's birthday. So there's your trivia for the day! I was very happy it was Nurse's Day because Kim brought me some Dove chocolate, and the nurse at the school shared her chocolate with us too! Chocolate always makes the day better!!

Today I had my last internship with the LINK clinic! Overall, I didn't feel like I was doing a whole lot to gain a better experience at being a nurse, but I liked working with Kim, the Nurse Practitioner, and the kids at the schools. I also liked working with this clinic because I can see that it is so needed for the low-income population in Springfield. One thing that bothered me was the fact that so many of these kids come from terrible home situations and are under such an enormous amount of stress that they shouldn't have to deal with. It broke my heart to hear these kids talk about their parents/grandparents/foster parents not having enough money to support them. I don't think I had any realization of my family's financial situation when I was in elementary school, but so many of these kids know the hardships their families are going through and they feel some responsibility for that. I was so saddened to see and hear about the children who were abandoned by their parents to be raised by grandparents or friends. But some of the parents made me really hopeful about this population, because you could see that some of the parents were really concerned about their children and would do whatever they could to help them get better. I know that as a nurse, I will be able to make a difference in all these children's lives. I will be able to help them when they're sick and try and comfort them when their sad, and give them a voice. I really want to help kids, I always have, and this experience made me see that I can do that in a variety of ways and in a variety of settings.

I made my first large purchase today as a nearly college graduate! I bought some nice new furniture for my apartment!! It's a tan colored microsuede and it's a couch, loveseat, and recliner set! Ooooooh! Pictures will come eventually once we get them moved in at the beginning of June.

Also, I got some FREE KFC for dinner tonight courtesy of Oprah!! I guess she made some announcement on her show yesterday and there's coupons online for a free KFC 2-piece grilled chicken dinner with 2 sides and a biscuit! After a lot of trials, we eventually got our four coupons and Allison, Rachel, Jered, and I went to go get our tasty meals. Guess a lot of other people had the same idea we did, cause the drive thru was about to circle the building and the line inside was just out the door!! Luckily it went pretty fast and we got our food and headed out. It was pretty good, not gonna lie, but unfortunately you can only print out the coupons today until midnight and you're supposed to only print out four per computer...but I didn't even get that far. We'll see, maybe I'll still have more luck tonight.

Weekend Update with Ashley

Okay, more like week and a half update at this point... Man I'm behind! Also, I started this blog on last Thursday, April 30, but I'm just now posting it today, Monday, May 3, sorry bout that!

The Friday before last, April 24, was Relay for Life!! I love Relay for Life and what it supports. Cancer research is one of my passions...I can't do the research myself, but I want to support those that do. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 16, soon-to-be 6 years ago! (Yay!!!) It's one of those things that I'll never forget and something I totally believe was a God thing. Not the actual cancer, of course, but the way it was discovered. My mom has always gotten her yearly mammograms and she went in for her regular checkup, like usual, but her usual doctor wasn't there, so a different one did the mammogram and looked at it. Well, something that looked ever-so-slightly off appeared on the scan, now Mom told me that she has pretty fibrous breast tissue and that little weird spots have shown up before but turned out to be nothing and Mom hadn't noticed any lumps. Well, since this doctor wasn't her usual one, he wanted to get it checked out, but if it was Dr. Harr, he may not have thought anything of it. So she went in for a needle biopsy of the mass and found that indeed it was cancerous, but it was very, very, VERY small. Seriously, like they almost never catch them this small...I don't exactly remember the size, but I wanna say it was only like a few milimeters or something... MILIMETERS! So, she was able to go in for surgery to remove the tumor, they sent the tissue to pathology to check just how far the cancer was in the lump and found that it was still on the edges of the sample they took out, so they went back in to remove a little more of the tissue with surgery. She had to undergo six weeks of radiation to the area and go on an anticancer medication and she now has checkups with an oncologist as well as Dr. Harr. She was so lucky that it was caught early!! It was still scary being faced at sixteen that your mom had cancer, up till that point I'd mostly thought of cancer as being in kids (leukemia) or old people. Not my forty-something mom. But she was surrounded by a team of great doctors and nurses that were taking care of her and our family, whole group of friends, and church family chipped in to help out wherever we needed it. They brought food out to the house when Mom got home from surgery, my grandma came out to the house to see how Mom was doing, some of our friends and church friends helped drive Mom to and from her radiation appointments 45 minutes away in St. Joe when she was worried about being too tired to drive, and one of our friends who is a nurse even came out to our house in the middle of the night (rather than having us call an ambulance) to take care of Mom when her incision busted open. I saw then how good some people can be and that's one why I loved growing up in a small town where you knew so many people that you could count on to help out whenever they could.

So Relay came to mean a whole new thing to our family. It reminded me of my mom's strength and that she was able to overcome cancer and caught it early. This is why I love that Relay not only supports research, but also money for prevention and education about all different types of cancer. Prevention and screening is the key! Now I know that you can't prevent or screen every type of cancer, some are just very hard to detect early, but in this case, breast cancer is easy to screen for. That's why I will go and get my mammogram every year from the time I'm 30! It will suck, but it's one thing that will help me to be healthy!

I did Relay for Life this year with a team of my fellow senior nursing students! It was super fun!! We played Catchphrase and the RN game!! Yes, we learned something through a board game and it was great! And this year I was walking for my mom, Grandma Barnes, and Allison's uncle Tom specifically.

Nothing terribly exciting happened last week except for eating out at Lamberts, going to my still pointless internship, helping with the dinner served at church by the youth group, attending my last class as an undergrad, taking a class picture with my fellow mimes/burglars/goths :), working during the flu epidemic (totally kidding, MSU DOES NOT have swine flu, so please don't come to Taylor), youth group, and a BBQ at Jessica & Eric Sentell's.

This has been the weekend update with Ashley. Have a great night everybody!