February

Well, I haven't posted anything all month, but there's kind of a reason.

February has become one of those bittersweet months for me.

Bitter: My amazing, kind, funny, wonderful, loving Granny Simeroth passed away three years ago (Feb. 21). I sometimes still find myself forgetting she's gone and then missing her terribly. I still want to write Carl and Katie anytime I send something to my grandpa. I still have their home phone listed under Granny & Papa in my phone. I love her so much, that will never change.

Also a bitter moment is that a little over a year ago (Feb. 11) Grandma Barnes also passed away, but hers is a different kind of bitter. Yes, sad that she's gone, but worse, I think, that she was not able to live out her last years in peace. I just hope that somewhere in her mind she was able to remember the good times in her life... and that perhaps I was a part of some of them. I still think of her everytime I look at the old candy dish I have of hers. Fond memories!

Sweet: I've been surrounded by blessings and celebrations this month too. Celebrating friendships, birthdays, and exciting changes in friends' lives. I've been so blessed in my job and that my bosses think I'm doing well, even if it's really hard sometimes, it's a real blessing.

What is the world coming to?

Saw an article online today on this...

Wow. What is the world coming too. Just what we need when I've got patients I take care of that are 600-700 pounds. Pizza and cookies. Real great. Not saying that I might not indulge, but still. What's next... fried beef burritos and chocolate cheesecake?

WOW!

This weekend I went to a youth conference with the middle & high school youth. I was an adult. Ha! That still throws me off every time! Anyway, the main speaker was Shane Claiborne. He was amazing! He kind of reminded me of Allison's cousin, Phil, he looked a lot like him. He had a great message to share that if we all really tried to live and love like Jesus, think of what this world could be like. No more wars, no homelessness or those who have more than they could EVER need and just down the street, those that are dying because they don't have one coat or haven't eaten all day. He really threw how twisted our American culture can be in our faces. He gave a lot of hard hitting quotes from some amazing people (sorry I can't remember who said what right now). One of which was, "If you have two coats you have stolen one because someone else doesn't have one to wear." Wow. It reminded me of how materialistic we all are. How we want the biggest and best and most out of this world. We want to have the best and newest gadgets, more clothes than we really need, to gorge ourself on more food than we could eat, etc. Made me think. What could I do or give up for those that have none?

Another story he gave was in his community in Philly, he was walking down the street and saw a prostitute on his way to the store. On his way back from the store, he saw her again, huddled in an alley, shivering from the cold and crying. He and his friend went and comforted her, offered her to come to their house to keep warm for a while, where she told them her story. She came back a few weeks or months later, on fire for the Lord again and shining with His love. When he was talking with a friend about it the guy said this, "Jesus never hung out with prostitutes... because he never saw them as a prostitute, he saw them as a lost child." I thought that was amazing. And it reminded me of work, particularly about the prisoners that I sometimes take care of. Most of these guys are nice and polite, but I've been too nervous or just don't want to take the time to talk with them much. I need to treat them as Jesus would, like a friend, like I would anyone else. I need to not look at the needle in their eye when I have a plank in mine.

He's just done amazing things, worked with Mother Theresa in Calcutta, traveled to Africa and Iraq, and a lot more. Look him up.

Thankful

Being that it was the season of THANKSgiving. Here are a few things I'm thankful for... (in no particular order)

• My amazing wonderful family
• My fabulous friends in Springfield and getting to live right next to and with my fave people
• High school friends and the fact that it seems like no time has passed at all when we get back together
• All the members of my extended/adopted family - The Garrett, Kinman, Spalding, Bates/Dieke, Adams, and Dobyns families
• My job - it may drive me crazy, tire me out, be incredibly frustrating & intense sometimes, but I could never do anything else. I know this is what I am supposed to do the rest of my life.
• My coworkers who I absolutely love to laugh with! They are so awesome!
• Everyone involved with Youth at Kings Way - even most of the kids :)
• Bearcat football
• Green bean casserole - YUM!
• Having a garage in these upcoming cold months
• My adopted niece, Scout
• My newfound love for coffee since working night shift
• Oklahoma
• God's constant love and presence
• Sweet tea
• Antwone
• My bed - it's the most comfortable ever!
• Gloves - need I say more... they keep my constantly cold hands warm and also make it so I don't have to touch nasty things with my bare hands
• Netflix - couldn't work nights without it, I'd be bored out of my mind watching infomercials
• Music, especially Christmas music
• My Chi
• Raspberry margaritas

I have so much more to be thankful for, but these are just a few... I'm so blessed!

Life

Well, I've had a busy, but mostly fun last couple weeks!

Been working... A LOT it seems... which has been frustrating, exciting, joyous, and sad all at the same time. I've been able to take care of some great patients who are so sweet... and some that are not so much. I've been involved right in on the action with 2 code blues. Which were both scary and sad. I was right there, which is really intense. I know I said that in some strange way I want to have my own code... but I'm really not looking forward to it.

Got to hang out with some of my nursing classmates, which was great catching up with them and hanging out drinking and playing games. Went to dinner at Olive Garden with the gals from work. I'm so lucky that I work with such amazing people! They keep me sane on my horrible nights at work. And just last night I went to the DARIUS RUCKER concert with Alli and Rob!! It was a great time with my brother husband and sister wife. :) I love Darius so much! And of course hanging out with my very best friends!

I Need a Change...

I think I need some kind of change. I'm feeling like my life is stagnant, not going anywhere. I need some excitement. Something to happen. To meet someone new. Something to change. I do the same things with the same people all the time. I need something to change. Not that I don't love them, but how am I supposed to meet someone new. Someone to love me. I want a change. I don't know how though, and I guess deep down I'm a little scared too. I need to become braver. I need to take more risks. Where to start?

Another Summer, Another Hayfield

Oooklahoma!!!!

I spent a week in Oklahoma and had a great time with my family! I spent most of the time in the hayfield raking, mowing, riding with Papa or Staci, working on the mowers, and transporting from field to field. I got hot, greasy, and dirty, but loved it (most of the time). I always feel like I grow into a stronger, more independent woman when I go down there, because there's usually no one right around to help you, so you have to fix a problem on your own. I mean, I learned all the in's & out's of servicing the mowers before you start (greasing it, changing out the blades, checking & refilling the oil, etc.), tried to break off a bearing on the baler, and helped break down a tire (to get the tube inside out) that had a hole in it. Me. I also got some manual labor in when I helped out at the store carrying 50 lb. sacks of feed. 50 pounds. Me. Awkward, skinny, tall, lanky me. I'm not useless, or incapable. I can do a lot more than I think I can... I just have to try.

When I wasn't in the hayfield, I went with Staci to shop for school clothes... talk about a long afternoon. I also went to church with the fam and had a little time to hang out with everyone back at the house after a long day. I always love getting back to my farm roots & not worrying about anything... it's always refreshing, even if the work is hard. Wouldn't change it for the world!

A Bit Irrational

I know I can be a bit irrational and it drives others crazy...

• Creepy, crawly things freak me out - spiders, roaches, moths, centipedes, etc.

I know it's lame being that I lived on a farm my whole life and was always outside, working in gardens and helping in the fields, but they freak me out...I think it's just the way they feel when they touch my skin, it's freaky.

• I still get nervous and scared sometimes when I work cows with my family... and it drives them crazy

I do know why on this one... it's because I've always been so small and cows are so big, like a thousand pounds! And when we work them they don't always go where we want them to... so we have to stop them and head them off in the other direction. We do this by moving in their way so they turn around and using a little stick to head them off. I've done it since I was in middle school. But it's scary having such a big animal running at you and you just standing there hoping and praying they stop or move in the other direction in time!

• I don't like calling new people/businesses for something

I think I sound stupid and know I'll say something dumb on the phone, thus I don't like to call new places to ask a question.

• I will always root for (probably too loud and like a crazy person) and think optimistically about the Bearcats

They've always been such a big thing in Maryville and I know they went to the big game 5 years in a row and didn't win it until the last year, but ya know, making it has to count for something! I'm still with them... and always will be!

I know I can be an irrational, ridiculous person sometimes. I'm not proud of it & really don't like most of these quirks, but that's just the way I am...so deal with it.

Saying Goodybe

Bittersweet. That's how I'd describe everything surrounding Grandma's passing. Sad that she's gone of course, but so relieved because she's in a better place.

The funeral was great because all my family got to come. All of my cousins were there...not all of their families, but all of Grandma's grandchildren were back in Maryville to say goodbye. It was so nice laughing with them, catching up, and hearing their stories about Grandma and Grandpa. They had a lot of memories of them when they were still living on the farm since me and Nate are at least 12-15 years younger than all of them. It was something I knew that Grandma would be so happy about. She would have loved to be there, and she was in spirit of course!

I remember some of my favorite memories of my grandma:

• Working with her in the vegetable garden she took care of out on the farm


• Sunday dinners after church


• Sitting next to her in the same pew in church every Sunday


• Her strawberries & shortcake


• The smile and joy she had anytime we came to visit


• Her teaching me to cross-stitch


• Watching her make the most beautiful quilts


• Hearing her tell her stories about growing up during the Great Depression and the story of her father's death & the harvest


• Her sitting right next to my parents at all of my concerts/recitals/sports games/programs at school & church


• Watching her cook (homemade noodles, mashed potatoes, lemon bars, homemade rolls, etc.)


• Helping her in the garden (yes, I did... and I didn't even kill anything)


• The kids room (aka den) with my dad & aunts' old toys


• The elephant piggy bank


• Sneaking around the house, finding special old things or pictures and Grandma finding me and explaining what/why/when/how and never being mad


• Grandma playing cards with me


• The candy dish

Grandma was and is an angel. She was the most loving person and showed that in the simplest of ways. In a lot of ways I think I'm like her... reserved but rambunctious, feisty when I need to be but easygoing, and a giver. I am so glad that I have so many things to remind me of her too. She made a wedding quilt and baby quilts for everyone in my family, but seeing as how me and Nate aren't married and don't have children we shouldn't have gotten any. But Grandma loved us so much and knew she may not be around or be quilting when we were old enough to do these things, so she made us quilts ahead of time. I will cherish my quilts from Grandma forever and they will definitely hold a special place in my future home. I love them! I hope that someday I can learn to quilt better, like her, and pass on this tradition. I'm also trying more and more to cook, like she did. I've learned in my life that family and close friends are the most important things. Nothing else matters. I'm trying to live that out in my life and do whatever I can for those I love & spending as much time as I can with them. I will sacrifice my time, resources, and money to have great memories with those I love and I won't regret it...never have, and never will. I love you guys!!

Grandma Marie

It's a little late (and long), but oh well....

February 11, 2010 my dear Grandma Eva Marie Barnes finally went to be with the Lord, Grandpa, and the rest of her family. I loved her so much and still miss her, but it was quite a different kind of death and funeral. There was so much joy in remembering her the way she was, who she used to be. You see, Grandma had Alzheimer's Disease.

She was no longer the Grandma Marie that any of us knew. It all seemed to start after Grandpa passed away when I was in 7th grade. At first it was little things, leaving things on, forgetting where something was, what someone's name was or what day, etc. But then she would be driving and would forget where she was in Maryville or how to get home, and would forget to take her medicines. That's when we moved her to an assisted living place and she had her own little apartment when I was a junior in high school. She wasn't happy about it, but she still had her car, the house was still there, and all her things were in the apartment. But then she got worse yet.

She repeated the same stories over and over every few minutes, she fell, she didn't recognize people, her mood would change and she'd be angry for no apparent reason, she'd leave without telling anyone, and she was no longer safe to drive. After only 6 months there, that's when we had to move her into the nursing home on the Alzheimer's unit. It was a locked unit so the residents wouldn't wander out, but she still had her own room with her things, there was a nice dining room that the residents took care of (set the table, etc.), a TV room, a birdcage, games, etc. I remember going to spend time with her there and she would walk me back "home" to her room, show me the dining room and explain how she set the table and where everyone sat, show me the pictures on her wall and explain who she thought the people were and what big event happened in the old photograph that she cherished (more on that later). It was here when she first started fumbling with who I was and my name. She would think I was Nancy (my mom), or Joyce (my aunt), but would reorient when I told her I was her granddaughter, Ken's daughter. We would go and celebrate with the residents during their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and Grandma would seem distant sometimes, but other times she was content and happy. One of the aides at the home told us that Grandma would even lead a small Bible Study with some of her neighbors there. We would bring her out to the farm sometimes to have Sunday dinner with us, but that's when we knew things were worse and she became completely opposite from the Grandma I knew. She would be talking and couldn't think of the word to describe what she wanted to say or didn't comprehend a word (like one Christmas she totally blanked on what "Christmas" was). She would be violent, her temper flaring at the drop of a hat, any small change in the routine would set her off. She cursed (I NEVER heard a foul word leave my Grandma's lips before that), pushed and hit people (she NEVER raised a hand to anyone before), and she was so depressed. I became depressed going to visit her. She began to look so sad and frail and I used to pray that God would take her home and end her suffering.

We moved her out of the Alzheimer's unit and out into a regular room when she stopped recognizing people and wouldn't eat much. She would go through periods when she would only eat certain foods, like only white foods, etc. I was only able to visit sporadically during her last year in the Alzheimer's unit and after she moved because I graduated high school and then went to college. The last time I visited her was 2 or 3 years before she passed. She was in her regular room in the home and Dad and I went to see her. She spoke to Dad, asked about how he was, what he was up to, simple things like that. She barely looked at me, though. Didn't even acknowledge me. I knew then that she had no idea who I was. Didn't even recognize me as a family member. That hurt. I remember I went to hang out with my friends from home that night and I broke down. I just didn't know why this had to happen, my friends had grandparents pass away, but at least they still knew who they were, could tell them they loved them. I was feeling sorry for myself. Then I felt guilty because I couldn't imagine what she must go through, knowing she should know something but her mind just going blank, going through day to day not knowing why or how. I just couldn't bring myself to go back and see her after that. I didn't want to put her through that confusion, and I just wasn't strong enough to handle it myself either. That was the last time I saw her.

I prayed again, and often that God would take her, whenever I saw a picture of her, or asked Dad how she was doing, etc. I didn't feel guilty about it though. I left it all up to Him of course, but I put in my request. It seemed odd asking for God to end a life (and it probably seemed like it to a lot of people), but in this case, I had a strange peace about it. It seemed like it was a very long time coming though. Physically, Grandma was pretty healthy. With the exception of having 3 kids, then breast cancer in her adult life and undergoing a mastectomy, I don't think Grandma had ever stayed in the hospital until she went to the nursing home. Even then, she only stayed a day or two I think. As I've learned it is a lot with Alzheimer's, the mind goes first, then the body is slow to follow. Dang it.

Mom told me that on the day she died, her roommate told the nurse's that she didn't think "Mom" as she called Grandma was feeling very well that day and that they should let her rest. She was quiet and just laying in bed all day. Then they went back to check on her and she was gone. I was so glad it was peaceful. Her mind was finally at rest and she was home, back to her old self.

Long Time No Blog

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted on here... I...

• Watched the Bearcats win the Division II National Championship!!!
• Spent my first Christmas completely away from any family - But was so blessed to have the Bates family accept me into their festivities!
• Was replaced by a French foreign exchange student my parents hosted
• Celebrated the life of my wonderful Grandma Barnes when she finally went to her eternal home
• Finally feel comfortable in my job and like I'm a good nurse!
• Moved out of my apartment and into a new fabulous duplex with/right next to my best friends!
• Got to be a part of my best friends' very special wedding day!!
• Bought a new computer
• Watched the Royals and ketchup win in KC

More to come...

Good & Evil

I recently made a comment on a friend from work's Facebook status and it led myself to thinking about my beliefs in good and evil. It all started with a sad patient story from last week when we received as a patient a grandmother who was admitted for chest pain after learning that her 20 something granddaughter had a massive hemorrhagic stroke and that she was most likely not going to survive. This was an extremely sad story and my friend posted on Facebook that her heart went out to this family, but that she knew God was present and has a plan for them. One of her non-Christian friends commented on it saying this

God has a plan for everyone huh??? so do those ppl instinctively just follow that "GOD given plan" or do some just get screwed outta theres because I don't think any of GOD'S plans would involve a 9 year old girl being beaten to death by a 15 year old girl and yes that happened right here in the good ol'e midwest, yours truly....Missouri. I also ... Read Moredon't think the ALMIGHTY GOD would plan for thousands of ppl to starve to death on a daily basis and be raped and murdered, but hey..what do I know, it's GOD'S plan, right?? I think you all give GOD entirely TOO much credit...why?? I wish I knew..maybe religion was crammed down your throat as a child, or maybe your just scared to actually think about living in a world without a GOD to save you from all that is evil, me personally....I don't believe in or deny GOD'S existence, but sometimes I think most of you do just in case he/she does exist, you'll think you be getting a free pass because you "believed in GOD your whole life!"

This comment made me sad that people are lost like this and re-examine my own thoughts. I even commented back and expressed my beliefs, which is a kind of big thing for me because I tend to be quiet in my faith and unfortunately find it incredibly scary to just talk about with strangers or even those I don't know all that well. So I thought I'd share my insight into my ow beliefs.

I know that terrible things happen in the world, but I don't believe that the God of love that I follow and serve would want those to happen to His children. I believe that the awful things that happen in this world are the work of satan and evil in the world, like cancer, rape, murder, etc. I know that those have to be the work of satan to try and break us from God and lead us away from Him. Just like I believe that satan works in people if they are weak enough to allow him into their lives, as I think my aunt has and it saddens me. But I know God works through those situations to strengthen us and give us comfort if we trust in Him and believe that He is strong enough to make it better...does that always mean a cure to the problem...no. Do I understand why...no. But I know that God is in control and that no matter what life throws our way, that He is there to pick us up and carry our burdens for us. If life were easy, we would have no need for God, and many people still go through life thinking that they don't need Him. But I know I do. Without Him I would be lost, feeling alone and inadequate and dead in my sins, but with Him I can face anything...I just have to remember to act out that knowledge and trust God EVERYDAY!

Jaded

I'm realizing more and more how hard it is to be a nurse and work in the hospital. It's difficult balancing between the patient's needs, the physician's orders (and sleep schedules), and getting all the necessary charting done. I don't mean to complain about my job, but it is hard trying to please and help my patients, not pissing off the doctor's by calling them at 3am, and handling confused, complicated, or just plain difficult patients. I am understanding more and more how easy it is for nurses to become jaded and burnt out on their work. I find myself getting really frustrated with my confused patients, patents that ask for pain medicine ALL the time (and don't really appear to be in a lot of pain), or want me to just call up the doctor all the time and try and get everything figured out to make them better at 2am. I get frustrated when there are no orders for me to give them an as needed medication and I have to call the doctor for something as simple as a sleeping pill or Tylenol. Maybe some of this comes from the fact that I hate feeling powerless to meet my patients' needs and get rid of their pain or other problems. I really do my best to not let the patients see that frustration though. Please don't think I'm a terrible, evil person. I'm really not. It's just difficult. But maybe every unit is different...I hope. Maybe it's just my floor and that once I get a year or two of experience in I can move to a different area and it will be better. But who knows...

I don't want to be that nurse that I've come into contact with that just goes through the motions of work and gets frustrated if something throws that off or that doesn't seem to really care about my patients. I know there will be times after work that I will just have to let it all out and vent for a second, but I'm going to try and focus on the positive things I am doing and not let those frustrations get me down. I'm going to try and see things more from my patient's point of view and how this affects their life. I hope it helps....but I may need you guys to remind me of that every once in a while ;)

I guess I'm crazy

I love that in our admission screen for every patient that it asks... Have you ever had thoughts of harming yourself or others? Who doesn't have thoughts of harming others...I have thoughts of harming my patients sometimes! Especially when they are out of their minds and cussing me out! Call me crazy!

I Believe in People

Call me naive, but I believe in the good in people. I consider myself an optimist and I believe that people can (and should) do awesome things for others. For example: my church had a missions dinner on Saturday trying to simply raise money for all the missions projects of the church, including giving to places like Rare Breed and Victory Mission and our missionaries in Mozambique, Mongolia, and other places. The money also goes towards mission trips sponsored by the church, like the middle school trip I went on this summer. The goal was $15,000. Now I'll admit, when I heard this I was a little shocked. That's a LOT of money! I hoped that we would raise the money, but honestly I wasn't entirely sure. I went to the dinner and donated money for my meal, and watched the live auction which had a lot of great things in it, like a vacation to Atlanta with concert and event tickets, vacation homes in North Carolina and Colorado, and other things like a Dessert of the Month membership and BBQ meal for 20 people. These things all went for quite a bit of money (more than I could afford!) and I was so proud of my church for exceeding the goal and actually raising over $26,00!!!!! That's amazing when I think about it! Imagine what we could do with that and all the lives we could change!! I admit, I don't do nearly as much as I should, but I'm working on it!

Another story from my hometown can be found at http://www.kansascity.com/105/story/1452971.html and here's the video. I think it's pretty special that these kids who are only freshman in high school and their coaches got together to do something great and make a difference in Matt's life.

I believe in God, love, faith, and the good in people and gosh darn-it, I don't ever want to change that!

On My Own

Well, I'm working all by myself now! So far it hasn't been too bad...but there's still a lot I feel like I need to remember and learn. I'm getting it though, and really some of it is just hospital policy type things, like parameters for Cardizem and other medication drips (which I've had to deal with a lot lately), PICC line policies, and stuff to do before a procedure. I know I need to work on my ability to handle a crisis though, and critical thinking on what steps to take when something comes up, like a patient having a shortness of breath or something.

I'm getting to know my coworkers on night shift a lot better and they're a bunch of really fun people. I seriously think I spent the majority of the shift last night laughing my head off! They give each other a hard time, just like me and my friends do. Here's a few random experiences and things I've learned about my coworkers that crack me up:
1. Almost all of the Nurse Aids have kids, even the ones that are my age
2. An Aid on the floor, Jennifer, always dates guys that end up slapping her around...including her baby's daddy who's in jail right now "for a bunch of stuff"
3. Seth is almost deaf...and it's really awkward when joking around with him and he doesn't hear :)
4. The Canadian, Brad, is an "ash" most of the time and is really full of himself even though he's been here just a couple months longer than me
5. Mike is gay...but might secretly want Jennifer for her baby-making ability
6. It's really hard not to laugh when a confused patient tells you to be ashamed of breaking up a family with five kids... in a kinda funny voice
7. Getting shocked by an implanted defibrillator while waterskiing makes you flop around like a fish
8. I've never been so happy to have a family member stay in the room as when I had a patient who had been in prison for murder...and was released on a technicality

Being a nurse can be veeerry interesting sometimes!

Letdown

I don't know what it is, but lately I've just felt....I'm not even sure what word I'm looking for... inadequate, disappointed, letdown, sad... (all of the above?)

Maybe it's all the change that's been going on in my life right now and the awkwardness going on. I just feel unsatisfied. I thought it would be different. I thought I would love getting out of school and being on my own...don't get me wrong, there are parts that I really don't miss about school. But it seems like a lot more is different now than I thought it would be. I mean, I can't just blow off homework or get off work easily anymore to go do something I want to do. I have to go to work... and I don't have a whole lot of choice about when that is cause I'm the low priority. I don't like rarely having more than 2 days off in a row. I miss my friends and just being able to chill and hang out. I miss spending every day with the same people and being able to help each other. I miss living with my good friends. Not that I don't love Sara, but it's not the same. I don't quite feel the same comfort and homeyness as I did last year. I don't feel like I can fully be myself with Sara and Amanda. I sometimes feel like I have to walk on eggshells and be careful that I don't make a mess and don't leave anything out or walk around without being fully dressed (which is okay since I'm in the master bedroom by myself, but sometimes I want to go grab something to munch on while I'm drying off after a shower...but I think the girls would have a minor cow if I walked around in my bra and undies).

I just hate feeling judged...and that I'm not good enough (or not what people are looking for in a roommate, coworker, friend, nurse, etc). I know I can't please everyone and that's a problem I have to deal with, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not good enough at everything.

Another thing that's been bothering me is I feel so letdown by so many people in my life... myself, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, etc. I feel like I've let myself down in the way that I am and act around people (my timid and shy nature). I tell myself that I can do this...I can be more outgoing, but I chicken out because of my fear of rejection and I back away. I so wish that I could be bold. Like everyone, my family, friends, people I work with, people I look up to, and more people have let me down or disappointed me in some way or another. I know that no one is perfect, but my trust and faith in others is shaken whenever these things happen.

I was thinking about all this when I went to visit my family in Oklahoma this weekend. I was just really feeling down on myself and my situation, so I looked in my aunt's Bible for some sort of encouragement or inspiration and I saw that she had highlighted Psalm 34:18-19.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.

This spoke to me because this is how I was feeling...my heart had been broken by the disappointments that I had let bother me, and my spirit was crushed by my self-esteem issues and shaken faith in others. I realize that I need to trust in God. That's the answer to everything is having faith that God will come through and help me to get through all this and heal my spirit. It will take time... and won't happen on my terms, but I need to work on really believing in the power of God and His plans.

When I was thinking about all the times I'd been let down, I was reminded that I have let all these people down myself and most of all, I've let God down. I let Him down when I chose not to trust Him, I let Him down when I stopped spending time with Him everyday and making choices that truly reflect that. I thought about the song by Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown"

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here

I want to try and not let God down...and believe that He won't let me down because everything is in His plan. I'm feeling this way for a reason, and He will help me through it.

Nocturnal Confusion

Well, switching to nights hasn't been so bad. I worked all day last Saturday, then worked on transitioning to staying up all night and sleeping in the day. So I worked my 8 hr shift on Monday night/Tuesday morning and actually didn't think it was so bad! It was a lot quieter, even though my nurse, Seth, and I had 7 patients and I was taking care of the whole team. There are a lot less meds to give, and patient concerns to tend to, plus my nurse and I didn't have an open bed so we didn't get an admission. It was pretty nice! But then, I had three days off and had to take my NCLEX on Wednesday, so I had to go back to the daytime schedule. Talk about messing with your body!

So I took my licensure exam on Wednesday... I took 75 questions and then it shut off. I was done. That freaked me out! I thought that some questions were really hard, and others were pretty easy...so I wasn't sure. I wished it would have given me more questions cause 75 meant I did really well, or I bombed it and there was no hope. But I paid my 7 bucks to find out early and I found out on Friday that I PASSED!!!!!! I'm pumped!! No more tests for a long while!!! I'm a real RN, BSN!

Allison, Rob, and I went out on Thursday night to meet Jered and some of his work friends at the Piano Bar. I kind of felt it was a little celebration of being done with my NCLEX...I didn't know the results yet, but I celebrated anyway! I had a good time hanging out with all of them and then going to Steak & Shake afterwards and seeing some hilarious drunk people!...unfortunately they were fellow KC Royals fans. :(

I had to work again on Friday night...which was tough. I tried to stay up Thursday night and sleep Friday, but didn't sleep very well at all. :( But the night was okay. We had a patient that we were really concerned about because she had extremely low blood pressure throughout the night. Right as we were coming on shift, her BP was as low as 75/doppler (normal is 120/80, doppler means that they couldn't even hear the diastolic number!). The first time the evening nurse called the doctor with slightly higher numbers, he said to watch her. I called again, just at the change of shift and the doctor ordered a very small fluid bolus (she had CHF, so we didn't want to fluid overload her). So we were busy watching her and helping the Aid check her BP every 30 minutes. We also got a new admission and she kept complaining of ongoing chest pain that we had to try and alleviate. It wasn't so bad, though. Saturday night wasn't bad at all, except that we only had 2 Nurse Aids for 26 patients...so we helped with her duties all night as well. Otherwise, my team was pretty easy. The hard thing was staying awake through early the early service at church after working all night.

Looking forward to having a normal night schedule and not having to switch all the time...we'll see how that works though!

Ashley

Having a "Real" job is hard work!

I've been really busy with work and trying to have a life while I still work normal people hours, so the blog has gone by the wayside a bit. But here I am back to give a quick update.

Work has been very busy. I finished up about 2 weeks of orientation with Makael on days and learned A LOT and I just got done with another 2 weeks with Susan. Both were great preceptors, Makael was more of the teacher, making sure I took it easy and could handle everything before I totally went off on my own, which was really nice because she still let me go off on my own and figure my way of doing it...which I will say hasn't quite been perfected yet. And Susan is super laid-back which has been good too, and I'm taking our whole team of patients now with Susan helping out on a few things like keeping up with new orders, talking to doctors when they come by, etc. I'm still getting lots of practice at all these things, but since she's sitting at the desk most of the time, she helps out with those things so I have a little more time. Days are crazy busy, but I've heard that nights aren't quite that busy, so I think I can handle that better than I am now. It just hasn't all come together yet, I still feel like I'm doing quite a bit of unnecessary running back and forth. But I know it'll get better with practice.

I start nights on Monday with my preceptor, Seth. I'm looking forward to everything but my messed up sleep schedule! I've already worked with Seth once and he's great, so I know it will be good. My nurses have all told me I'm doing a great job, so that makes me feel better too! I've had some crazy things happen, like a patient that got really confused with sundowners, sending my first pt to the ICU for a critical blood sugar level, receiving a pt from the unit who was taking 4 Hydrocodone pills every 4 hrs and was detoxing, work with a patient who had schizophrenia and helping her family get some help, and had to keep my cool when a patient's son was testing my intelligence and treating me and his mother like crap. Only one thing looms in the (not so very far) distance.........the NCLEX!

I take my NCLEX on Wednesday at 1pm!! Yikes! I've studied some, but not as much as I feel I should. I need to keep doing a bunch of review questions! I'm very unmotivated, but nervous about it at the same time, so some good thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated! I'll know two days after that how I did.

I went to Maryville for 4th of July with Rachel Fulton from Branson. We had a blast visiting with Cristy and Brooke and even Sarah was in town from D.C.!! Thursday and Friday I went to Oklahoma to visit my Mom, Dad, and Nate who were spending the week there, and Papa, the aunts & uncles, and cousins. Had a great time the couple of days I was able to spend with them! I can't wait to go back!!!

Love you all!!

Life as a GN, BSN at St. John's Hospital

Well, it took a few weeks, but I'm just about done with all the formal orientations and meetings and trainings. I had mini-orientation, then the full 2 day system-wide orientation, 1 day of nursing orientation (I still have to go to the second day next week), three days in the classroom with the nurse educator, three days of Epic training for the computer system, CPR certification, and First Touch class. I have a couple more days with Carrie the nurse educator to go over disease process stuff, day 2 of nursing orientation, then a dysrhythmia class on Monday. And I thought I'd be able to relax once school was over...

But I have spent a couple days with one of my preceptor nurses on the floor this week and it's been going really well!! I'm excited!! I think I've done a pretty good job, but the two patients that I took were pretty easy and didn't require a lot of stuff. My nurse did tell me that she thinks I'm going to be a good nurse, but I might need to toughen up a bit....we'll see what that means. :( I'm really glad to be working on the floor finally and treating patients!

Last week I went as a leader on the middle school mission trip for youth at church. It was kids grades 6-8...and in case you forgot, there is a BIG difference between sixth graders and eighth graders...most of them that is. It was a really great experience and we all had an awesome time getting to know each other better and serving the people in Noel, MO (about 1.5 hrs away). There were like 35 kids I think and 11 adults, so at times it was CRAZY, but other times I knew that the youth were just getting it and understanding what we were doing and really why.

My group and a couple others did landscaping/gardening work and cleared out a (practically) forest in a couples' front yard. The woman had been diagnosed with brain cancer a year ago and they had just started a big yard project, but then had to stop because she was undergoing treatment and he had to work more to pay the bills. This lady loves flowers and wanted their yard to look nice, so the church that we were working with set us up to work at her house. It was hard work, especially clearing out the forest area! There were so many fallen leaves and overgrown weeds and trees that you couldn't even tell there was dirt under there. But we got it done and the youth did a great job! The second site was painting a house for a mom and her 3 yr old daughter. This mother and her husband were living in the house when they were starting the adoption process to get their daughter. Then her husband passed away and she couldn't afford to live there anymore, so she went to live in an apartment and continued going through the process to adopt her little girl. Now, the church is trying to get Carla and her daughter back into the house so that the little girl can have a yard to play in and a real home. The youth did a great job of scraping and then painting that house as well! It really was a life-changing week for a lot of these youth and myself!