Thankful

Being that it was the season of THANKSgiving. Here are a few things I'm thankful for... (in no particular order)

• My amazing wonderful family
• My fabulous friends in Springfield and getting to live right next to and with my fave people
• High school friends and the fact that it seems like no time has passed at all when we get back together
• All the members of my extended/adopted family - The Garrett, Kinman, Spalding, Bates/Dieke, Adams, and Dobyns families
• My job - it may drive me crazy, tire me out, be incredibly frustrating & intense sometimes, but I could never do anything else. I know this is what I am supposed to do the rest of my life.
• My coworkers who I absolutely love to laugh with! They are so awesome!
• Everyone involved with Youth at Kings Way - even most of the kids :)
• Bearcat football
• Green bean casserole - YUM!
• Having a garage in these upcoming cold months
• My adopted niece, Scout
• My newfound love for coffee since working night shift
• Oklahoma
• God's constant love and presence
• Sweet tea
• Antwone
• My bed - it's the most comfortable ever!
• Gloves - need I say more... they keep my constantly cold hands warm and also make it so I don't have to touch nasty things with my bare hands
• Netflix - couldn't work nights without it, I'd be bored out of my mind watching infomercials
• Music, especially Christmas music
• My Chi
• Raspberry margaritas

I have so much more to be thankful for, but these are just a few... I'm so blessed!

Life

Well, I've had a busy, but mostly fun last couple weeks!

Been working... A LOT it seems... which has been frustrating, exciting, joyous, and sad all at the same time. I've been able to take care of some great patients who are so sweet... and some that are not so much. I've been involved right in on the action with 2 code blues. Which were both scary and sad. I was right there, which is really intense. I know I said that in some strange way I want to have my own code... but I'm really not looking forward to it.

Got to hang out with some of my nursing classmates, which was great catching up with them and hanging out drinking and playing games. Went to dinner at Olive Garden with the gals from work. I'm so lucky that I work with such amazing people! They keep me sane on my horrible nights at work. And just last night I went to the DARIUS RUCKER concert with Alli and Rob!! It was a great time with my brother husband and sister wife. :) I love Darius so much! And of course hanging out with my very best friends!

I Need a Change...

I think I need some kind of change. I'm feeling like my life is stagnant, not going anywhere. I need some excitement. Something to happen. To meet someone new. Something to change. I do the same things with the same people all the time. I need something to change. Not that I don't love them, but how am I supposed to meet someone new. Someone to love me. I want a change. I don't know how though, and I guess deep down I'm a little scared too. I need to become braver. I need to take more risks. Where to start?

Another Summer, Another Hayfield

Oooklahoma!!!!

I spent a week in Oklahoma and had a great time with my family! I spent most of the time in the hayfield raking, mowing, riding with Papa or Staci, working on the mowers, and transporting from field to field. I got hot, greasy, and dirty, but loved it (most of the time). I always feel like I grow into a stronger, more independent woman when I go down there, because there's usually no one right around to help you, so you have to fix a problem on your own. I mean, I learned all the in's & out's of servicing the mowers before you start (greasing it, changing out the blades, checking & refilling the oil, etc.), tried to break off a bearing on the baler, and helped break down a tire (to get the tube inside out) that had a hole in it. Me. I also got some manual labor in when I helped out at the store carrying 50 lb. sacks of feed. 50 pounds. Me. Awkward, skinny, tall, lanky me. I'm not useless, or incapable. I can do a lot more than I think I can... I just have to try.

When I wasn't in the hayfield, I went with Staci to shop for school clothes... talk about a long afternoon. I also went to church with the fam and had a little time to hang out with everyone back at the house after a long day. I always love getting back to my farm roots & not worrying about anything... it's always refreshing, even if the work is hard. Wouldn't change it for the world!

A Bit Irrational

I know I can be a bit irrational and it drives others crazy...

• Creepy, crawly things freak me out - spiders, roaches, moths, centipedes, etc.

I know it's lame being that I lived on a farm my whole life and was always outside, working in gardens and helping in the fields, but they freak me out...I think it's just the way they feel when they touch my skin, it's freaky.

• I still get nervous and scared sometimes when I work cows with my family... and it drives them crazy

I do know why on this one... it's because I've always been so small and cows are so big, like a thousand pounds! And when we work them they don't always go where we want them to... so we have to stop them and head them off in the other direction. We do this by moving in their way so they turn around and using a little stick to head them off. I've done it since I was in middle school. But it's scary having such a big animal running at you and you just standing there hoping and praying they stop or move in the other direction in time!

• I don't like calling new people/businesses for something

I think I sound stupid and know I'll say something dumb on the phone, thus I don't like to call new places to ask a question.

• I will always root for (probably too loud and like a crazy person) and think optimistically about the Bearcats

They've always been such a big thing in Maryville and I know they went to the big game 5 years in a row and didn't win it until the last year, but ya know, making it has to count for something! I'm still with them... and always will be!

I know I can be an irrational, ridiculous person sometimes. I'm not proud of it & really don't like most of these quirks, but that's just the way I am...so deal with it.

Saying Goodybe

Bittersweet. That's how I'd describe everything surrounding Grandma's passing. Sad that she's gone of course, but so relieved because she's in a better place.

The funeral was great because all my family got to come. All of my cousins were there...not all of their families, but all of Grandma's grandchildren were back in Maryville to say goodbye. It was so nice laughing with them, catching up, and hearing their stories about Grandma and Grandpa. They had a lot of memories of them when they were still living on the farm since me and Nate are at least 12-15 years younger than all of them. It was something I knew that Grandma would be so happy about. She would have loved to be there, and she was in spirit of course!

I remember some of my favorite memories of my grandma:

• Working with her in the vegetable garden she took care of out on the farm


• Sunday dinners after church


• Sitting next to her in the same pew in church every Sunday


• Her strawberries & shortcake


• The smile and joy she had anytime we came to visit


• Her teaching me to cross-stitch


• Watching her make the most beautiful quilts


• Hearing her tell her stories about growing up during the Great Depression and the story of her father's death & the harvest


• Her sitting right next to my parents at all of my concerts/recitals/sports games/programs at school & church


• Watching her cook (homemade noodles, mashed potatoes, lemon bars, homemade rolls, etc.)


• Helping her in the garden (yes, I did... and I didn't even kill anything)


• The kids room (aka den) with my dad & aunts' old toys


• The elephant piggy bank


• Sneaking around the house, finding special old things or pictures and Grandma finding me and explaining what/why/when/how and never being mad


• Grandma playing cards with me


• The candy dish

Grandma was and is an angel. She was the most loving person and showed that in the simplest of ways. In a lot of ways I think I'm like her... reserved but rambunctious, feisty when I need to be but easygoing, and a giver. I am so glad that I have so many things to remind me of her too. She made a wedding quilt and baby quilts for everyone in my family, but seeing as how me and Nate aren't married and don't have children we shouldn't have gotten any. But Grandma loved us so much and knew she may not be around or be quilting when we were old enough to do these things, so she made us quilts ahead of time. I will cherish my quilts from Grandma forever and they will definitely hold a special place in my future home. I love them! I hope that someday I can learn to quilt better, like her, and pass on this tradition. I'm also trying more and more to cook, like she did. I've learned in my life that family and close friends are the most important things. Nothing else matters. I'm trying to live that out in my life and do whatever I can for those I love & spending as much time as I can with them. I will sacrifice my time, resources, and money to have great memories with those I love and I won't regret it...never have, and never will. I love you guys!!

Grandma Marie

It's a little late (and long), but oh well....

February 11, 2010 my dear Grandma Eva Marie Barnes finally went to be with the Lord, Grandpa, and the rest of her family. I loved her so much and still miss her, but it was quite a different kind of death and funeral. There was so much joy in remembering her the way she was, who she used to be. You see, Grandma had Alzheimer's Disease.

She was no longer the Grandma Marie that any of us knew. It all seemed to start after Grandpa passed away when I was in 7th grade. At first it was little things, leaving things on, forgetting where something was, what someone's name was or what day, etc. But then she would be driving and would forget where she was in Maryville or how to get home, and would forget to take her medicines. That's when we moved her to an assisted living place and she had her own little apartment when I was a junior in high school. She wasn't happy about it, but she still had her car, the house was still there, and all her things were in the apartment. But then she got worse yet.

She repeated the same stories over and over every few minutes, she fell, she didn't recognize people, her mood would change and she'd be angry for no apparent reason, she'd leave without telling anyone, and she was no longer safe to drive. After only 6 months there, that's when we had to move her into the nursing home on the Alzheimer's unit. It was a locked unit so the residents wouldn't wander out, but she still had her own room with her things, there was a nice dining room that the residents took care of (set the table, etc.), a TV room, a birdcage, games, etc. I remember going to spend time with her there and she would walk me back "home" to her room, show me the dining room and explain how she set the table and where everyone sat, show me the pictures on her wall and explain who she thought the people were and what big event happened in the old photograph that she cherished (more on that later). It was here when she first started fumbling with who I was and my name. She would think I was Nancy (my mom), or Joyce (my aunt), but would reorient when I told her I was her granddaughter, Ken's daughter. We would go and celebrate with the residents during their Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and Grandma would seem distant sometimes, but other times she was content and happy. One of the aides at the home told us that Grandma would even lead a small Bible Study with some of her neighbors there. We would bring her out to the farm sometimes to have Sunday dinner with us, but that's when we knew things were worse and she became completely opposite from the Grandma I knew. She would be talking and couldn't think of the word to describe what she wanted to say or didn't comprehend a word (like one Christmas she totally blanked on what "Christmas" was). She would be violent, her temper flaring at the drop of a hat, any small change in the routine would set her off. She cursed (I NEVER heard a foul word leave my Grandma's lips before that), pushed and hit people (she NEVER raised a hand to anyone before), and she was so depressed. I became depressed going to visit her. She began to look so sad and frail and I used to pray that God would take her home and end her suffering.

We moved her out of the Alzheimer's unit and out into a regular room when she stopped recognizing people and wouldn't eat much. She would go through periods when she would only eat certain foods, like only white foods, etc. I was only able to visit sporadically during her last year in the Alzheimer's unit and after she moved because I graduated high school and then went to college. The last time I visited her was 2 or 3 years before she passed. She was in her regular room in the home and Dad and I went to see her. She spoke to Dad, asked about how he was, what he was up to, simple things like that. She barely looked at me, though. Didn't even acknowledge me. I knew then that she had no idea who I was. Didn't even recognize me as a family member. That hurt. I remember I went to hang out with my friends from home that night and I broke down. I just didn't know why this had to happen, my friends had grandparents pass away, but at least they still knew who they were, could tell them they loved them. I was feeling sorry for myself. Then I felt guilty because I couldn't imagine what she must go through, knowing she should know something but her mind just going blank, going through day to day not knowing why or how. I just couldn't bring myself to go back and see her after that. I didn't want to put her through that confusion, and I just wasn't strong enough to handle it myself either. That was the last time I saw her.

I prayed again, and often that God would take her, whenever I saw a picture of her, or asked Dad how she was doing, etc. I didn't feel guilty about it though. I left it all up to Him of course, but I put in my request. It seemed odd asking for God to end a life (and it probably seemed like it to a lot of people), but in this case, I had a strange peace about it. It seemed like it was a very long time coming though. Physically, Grandma was pretty healthy. With the exception of having 3 kids, then breast cancer in her adult life and undergoing a mastectomy, I don't think Grandma had ever stayed in the hospital until she went to the nursing home. Even then, she only stayed a day or two I think. As I've learned it is a lot with Alzheimer's, the mind goes first, then the body is slow to follow. Dang it.

Mom told me that on the day she died, her roommate told the nurse's that she didn't think "Mom" as she called Grandma was feeling very well that day and that they should let her rest. She was quiet and just laying in bed all day. Then they went back to check on her and she was gone. I was so glad it was peaceful. Her mind was finally at rest and she was home, back to her old self.

Long Time No Blog

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted on here... I...

• Watched the Bearcats win the Division II National Championship!!!
• Spent my first Christmas completely away from any family - But was so blessed to have the Bates family accept me into their festivities!
• Was replaced by a French foreign exchange student my parents hosted
• Celebrated the life of my wonderful Grandma Barnes when she finally went to her eternal home
• Finally feel comfortable in my job and like I'm a good nurse!
• Moved out of my apartment and into a new fabulous duplex with/right next to my best friends!
• Got to be a part of my best friends' very special wedding day!!
• Bought a new computer
• Watched the Royals and ketchup win in KC

More to come...